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Help - Will file for divorce based on cruelty - can I continue in the US?

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  • Help - Will file for divorce based on cruelty - can I continue in the US?

    I checked on the INS website for green card for abused spouses. It only mention physical abuse. An I protected by law if I get a divorce based on cruelty on the basis of mental (verbal) abuse?
    My marriage is only 4 months old and I am awaiting for a EAD card (supposed to arrive within the next 45 to 60 days), and adjustment of status for green card (receipt from INS says it will take btw. 365 to 540 days).

    Here's my situation:
    I got married to a USC after being out of my visa status for 6 months. My spouse was too verbally abusive in the first 2 months of the marriage. By "verbally abusive" I mean, calling me coarse names and accusing me of cheating and having sex with friends without any grounds, excessive controlling behavior such as checking my cel phone bill, number called and duration, doctor to check what time I was in his office, accusing me that spending 2 hours on the phone with my best friend who happen to be of the opposite sex is cheating and conspiracy, threatening of divorce and preventing me from having a normal social life with friends regardless of gender, because if I don't up live as he wants he says that the marriage is fake. In other words, he has verbally abused me because he believes it is his right for "providing" me a future green card. He hasn't been physically abusive, but I am afraid because while he verbally abuses me, he does things like throwing things on the wall (not against me), shread pictures, etc. We have been separated for 1 month now - I kicked him out of my house after too much abuse to the point of calling me a whor*
    while not only I have provided for his living (he had moved into my apt., ate my food, and a loan of $ 4,000 throughout two months because he didn't have any money for himself for basics as medication, transportation money, food outside house, outstanding bills etc). He is also bipolar (manic depressive), compulsive gambler, and absolutely financially irresponsible.

    Please help. I want to stay in the US, but I can't stay married and always feeling afraid of his behavior, and wait for verbal abuse to turn into physical one. Where do I start? If I start the divorce process, how can I live legally in this country? Any ideas on where I can get free assistance? Thanks!

  • #2
    I checked on the INS website for green card for abused spouses. It only mention physical abuse. An I protected by law if I get a divorce based on cruelty on the basis of mental (verbal) abuse?
    My marriage is only 4 months old and I am awaiting for a EAD card (supposed to arrive within the next 45 to 60 days), and adjustment of status for green card (receipt from INS says it will take btw. 365 to 540 days).

    Here's my situation:
    I got married to a USC after being out of my visa status for 6 months. My spouse was too verbally abusive in the first 2 months of the marriage. By "verbally abusive" I mean, calling me coarse names and accusing me of cheating and having sex with friends without any grounds, excessive controlling behavior such as checking my cel phone bill, number called and duration, doctor to check what time I was in his office, accusing me that spending 2 hours on the phone with my best friend who happen to be of the opposite sex is cheating and conspiracy, threatening of divorce and preventing me from having a normal social life with friends regardless of gender, because if I don't up live as he wants he says that the marriage is fake. In other words, he has verbally abused me because he believes it is his right for "providing" me a future green card. He hasn't been physically abusive, but I am afraid because while he verbally abuses me, he does things like throwing things on the wall (not against me), shread pictures, etc. We have been separated for 1 month now - I kicked him out of my house after too much abuse to the point of calling me a whor*
    while not only I have provided for his living (he had moved into my apt., ate my food, and a loan of $ 4,000 throughout two months because he didn't have any money for himself for basics as medication, transportation money, food outside house, outstanding bills etc). He is also bipolar (manic depressive), compulsive gambler, and absolutely financially irresponsible.

    Please help. I want to stay in the US, but I can't stay married and always feeling afraid of his behavior, and wait for verbal abuse to turn into physical one. Where do I start? If I start the divorce process, how can I live legally in this country? Any ideas on where I can get free assistance? Thanks!

    Comment


    • #3
      Tough!

      My friend is in similiar situation. He is still abused mentally & socially with increasing frequency. His wife is very intimidating & would do anything to "keep him in line". She appears willing & ready to abuse him physically. She is very desperate to stay married. Their marriage is four years old. The problem is that he does not have I-130 nor I-485 approved yet. (complicated case)

      He has the lawyer working on his I-130/I-485.
      The lawyer told him(without his wife present) that
      should he divorce her, no GC would be given.

      I did look at VAWA. It seems that it is for those with conditional GC. My friend and you do not have GC yet.

      If you have I-130 approved, it may help. But I am afraid it may not too great of help. Perhaps it will deal with long wait/extra cost if you still do not have a conditional GC.

      Check Divorce & Bad Spouse in http://k1.exit.com/. You have to go thru
      Disclaimer pages.

      Best to check with your lawyer. & get your spouse abuses documented & date it, hide it. Also hide the proofs of living together.

      :-(

      It may not be worth staying married to the abuser since the marriage is just 4 months old. Think about the long wait & enduring the stressful times inflicted by your husband. Up to you...

      Happiness is sought by everyone...

      Comment


      • #4
        I think that being abused verbally is worst than being abused physically...good luck to yr friend...I cannot imagine he is being living that 4 four years...every person deserves happiness and noone has the right to deprive anyone from this...
        to the first person who is married only for 4 months I am skeptical here...
        why on earth would you marry someone who is abusive bipolar pennyless and whatever you call him...did you marry him for GC ? or was it a blind love ?? I am sorry to tell you this ...you don't have a strong case here to file for yrself for a GC...yr marriage sounds a fake one..sorry if I am wrong...but why would you stay online with a friend ( AND A MAN !!!) for 2 hours if yr husband is home...I would be jealous if my husband does this to me..it's a human reaction to be jealous...
        anyhow, I wish you good luck in yr life...
        when we suffer to get a GC to be reunited with our family I think it's worth it but when we endure the worse just to get a GC be in the US it 's then not worth it...life is so short to not afford to be happy...
        good luck

        Comment


        • #5
          What a chauvinist guest who believes that talking on the phone with a friend from opposite gender who has been there for me like a brother for many many years, can lead to think in the same way as my bipolar husband. Does it mean that once a woman gets married, she has to give up friendship/family? If there were any romantic relationship with my friend, wouldn't you think that my friend and I would have married years long before I met my husband? The fact is my best friend is from a different gender, and I have always been treated as a sister, and as a daughter by his parents. They are my surrogate family, because unfortunately my blood family is gone. How can I give up on my family just because my abusive husband and people like you think that if I don't, my marriage is fake?

          Also addressing your insult on my case of fake marriage: How was I supposed to know that I was going to be abused? My husband only started abusing me once I signed the papers that I am his wife? If he had abused me when we were dating, I would have NEVER married him!

          Yes, I married a penniless man because I don't depend financially on any man - I am well educated and can be a bread winner. I believe that his being penniless only makes the point that I entered into this marriage for love, but because I have became an abused wife from the week after honeymoon, I want my way out to preserve my mental health and prevent from fossible physical abuse.

          If you have REAL helpful, rather than judgemental answers, do repply.

          Comment


          • #6
            To Abused:
            May be both of you had misunderstanding. His being jealous while you talked to you friend, might be a result of his love for you. If you love someon then you should also try to understand his feelings. As far money is concerned, money is not everything in the world. I know if you have married for money, you would not have gone for him. Before marriage every thing looks green but after entering into bond of marriage one has to face reality. Ego should never come in between husband and wife nor money. If he was abusive, he was wrong and you should have talked to him and try to work out something in marriage. Sometimes when a man is unemployed and has to be supported by his wife, he feels depressed and degraded. So that frustration comes out as outbrusts.
            You must think about this. You knew him before marriage and you should ask yourself what type of heart he has? Did he really loved you and cared for you? If he really did, then he needs you at this time more than anything else. By staying away from you can break him into pieces.
            Before any doing any further damage to your married life. Please reconsider your decision keeping in view all these things.
            As far as other legal issues are concerned. There are lot of ways to get help, even from Family Court you could get help. If you have some documented proof about these abuses then you could apply for AOS as a Battered Women. Still it will be better for you to consult some Women's Organization likd SAKHI etc.
            Good luck.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you for your kind words Umesh.

              From my standpoint the marriage is over. I have been taljking to him for 3 months and try to understand and provide to his career development, emotional and financial support, medical issues on his condition. I have had the role of a wife, a friend, a mother and everything. I have been unemployed longer than him, and I am awaiting for my EAD card to start working again. Supporting him financially doesn't give him the right to use me as a punch bag. I know that marriage is not a sea of roses but there are issues that cannot be worked out. The extent of his abuse is serious and I have never reported to any place because I don't want anything bad to happen to him. After marrying him, I found out that he had been in probation for a few years for something shady he did. I also found out that there is a search warrant on him because of financial things he didn't take care, so I don't want to complicate his life by reporting verbal abuse. I don't want to expose him so that he goes to jail. All I want is a divorce as friendly as it can be, as I am too afraid of his behavior. I don't think it's safe for me because he is not a stable man. And, by divorcing him, I need to make sure that I am able to live and work legally in the US, because I need to pay off my debt, accumulated because of my husband.

              Please advise on how to protect myself in keeping the right of a EAD and GC even if I divorce him.

              Thanks again!!!

              Comment


              • #8
                To Abused:
                Since I did not knew all the facts, as such may be I had hurt your feelings. I am sorry for that. Now I know all the facts about you and your husband, I will talk to some Attorneys and will post their advise in a couple of days. I hope there will be some way out for you to get EAD and GC.
                Under these circumstances, your decision is the proper decision. I am again sorry if I had hurt your feeling anyway.
                God bless you always.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Wow, I never thought there would be a time that I would disagree with Umesh Passi's post, but this one I am having a little trouble agreeing with completely. I truly hope he does not take this to heart because I know he means well and knowing he comes from an Indian background and culture, their point of view on marriage is different than ours in the United States. For instance, when a husband is wrong, it is his wife's foremost duty to correct him so that he may not commit same mistake again and they usually don't. In their culture, they are always making adjustments to make things better.

                  Well, I wish I could say the same thing about our culture. I also came from a very abusive, mentally and physically, marriage. Not once in the 7 months that we had dated did this man ever harm me in anyway, but right after marriage, the control started taking over. He severely beat me and mentally abused me. Seeing his good side, I tried to help him change, but after sacrificing so much of myself for 7 long years, I realized no one could help him, but himself.

                  Jealousy is not a reason to be abusive, jealousy is a reason to get help. Unless he feels he needs help, he won't ever change. Now, please, I am not telling this story for anyone to feel sorry for me. I now have better judgement of character and I am a much stronger woman because of my experience. I have forgiven my Ex and because of my growth and forgiveness, I now know my limits with him. I just pray for him because he is still the same ole character as he was many years ago.

                  Abused, Umesh Passi did give some very good advice there at the end, so may I suggest you think about these suggestions that he has provided for you because like I said, he is a very respectful person on this board and I still support him in his choices and advice.

                  Good Luck to you Abused and May God Always Be With You!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    To White Female:
                    I am so sorry to hear your horrible experience in marriage. No woman on earth deserves that. In our culture we respect woman because she is the base of whole world. She deserves utmost respect as she serves all his life as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, companion, grandmother and so on. Whole life, since her birth to death she serves others in different characters. In my culture understanding and caring is a base of happy married life.
                    I am sorry about my posting, if it has hurt anybody's feelings in any way. I had no intention to hurt anybody's feelings. I am sorry.
                    I have utmost respect for woman and especially for you who have always supported me.
                    May God bless you and your family always.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      No feelings hurt here. I understood where you were coming from. I think no less of you, but just respect you even more.

                      Thank you for your concerns and Umesh Passi, I will always highly respect you for all the work and time you put into this board.

                      God Bless You Always My Friend!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Not to offend you, but seven months is not enough time to know someone before you marry them. In America, traditional engagements last much longer than that, and marriage is typically a well-planned and well-considered event. It takes much time to decide if both parties are compatible, if both are ready for marriage, if both are mature and responsible, etc. This is part of the reason that the INS emphasizes valid marriages (and if they are likely to last) and they take pains to uncover those marriages that are shams.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          To Umesh:

                          I respect your understanding of immigration law but please refrain from giving marital advice here.

                          I know exactly what Indian culture in general thinks of women. Before I am called racist, let me tell you I am Indian as well so I speak from experience. I am also male so this is not some feminist male bashing.

                          Indian women by and large are trained from childhood to "serve" their husband and in laws. To sacrifice their own needs, wants and happiness for the "family". That is why they are more likely to stay in abusive relationships and very rarely are able to fulfill themselves. This is the Indian culture for women. OF course there are exceptions in urbana and educated circles.But by and large it is like I described.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Victims of domestic violence should know that help is also available to them through the National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 [TDD] for information about shelters, mental health care, legal advice and other types of assistance, including information about self-petitioning for immigration status.

                            http://www.ins.gov/graphics/howdoi/battered.htm

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              You really didn't hurt my feelings. No worries. You are fantastic! I am thankful for your advices.
                              I will follow the link for abused spouses and I will keep checking on your next postings.

                              I just got off the phone with my husband. He is threatening of withdrawing my application at the INS if I don't call within thirty minutes to him. "Talk" to him which means being on the phone listening and interacting with verbal abuse. He has called me 5 times today and after picking it up twice, I can only let my home and cel phone ring. I am hopeful for answers to get out of this situation safe.

                              Thanks all for your kind words.

                              Comment

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