New Situation here. What are the consequences and how would you deal with it?

[lovelovelovelove]

Nice to see that I really do exist on this board. I had asked a couple of legit questions on this board with the hope that there might be some intelligent life on this board (which there is )and was for the most part ignored. So why do we bother with the inane an asinine?

~~Kumna, you need to look into your own heart and decide what YOU want. In the end, that's all that matters.
~~Marasmus, I apologized to Kumna for being presumptuous and judgemental. I wanted to get a reaction from someone, cause it was becoming obvious that the legitimate posts are being buried within the politics and non-legitimate posts of others. Perhaps, being the iconic figure that you are here, you could help me with a few of my legitimate immigration issues.
~~So maybe...if one of you that have been here a while, could help me with my questions, I could be on with my life, and therefore you can all be left to yours.
Thank You and God bless !

[Kumna]

Sorry all I did not get back to your lovely comments early. I was on vaccation and did not get time to go online.

Regarding the details in the break up of the marriage, I will telll you this: when we were getting into the marriage, I especially mentioned to her that having a baby of my own blood is really important to me. She was ok with it and we got married. After trying for a year, the pressure started to amount. Our parents started to weight in, because they wanted to have grand kids too. We started to seek professional help and looked for alternatives. The doctor recommended that she looses weight. I enrolled her in different programs, which did not really work. When I met her, she was 324lbs. With all the diet program, her weight went down to around 280lbs. I should say that she did try the best she could. However, more issues came up regarding having a baby: she had a back pain, diabete, breathing problem and some women issues. The doctor recommended more prescriptions. The situation became so unconfortable that at some point I started to get depressed. Not only I was the only provider for the couple, but also I had to cook, clean,do laundry, etc. So, I basically felt single even though I was married. This was going on for more than a year. I would have kept going if the situation was temporary. However, it was getting worse as the time went by. I finally gave up when I realised that she decieved me: Before the marriage, she actually knew that she could not have kids and failed to tell me. One day, her former doctor sent her a unpaid bill, which I happened to come accross. I found that she had the same disease before the marriage and that doctor made the same type of prescription. So, I felt used and finally decided to opt out.

I personally dont have anything against her and I wish she did disclose me that information before developing the relationship. Additionally, I want you to know that I got into the marriage about a year after I came to this country. So, there were many facts I was not aware of at that time. Had I known all I know now, I would have been more carefull. I consider it as an experience.

Additionally, I want to stress out that I was not dating another woman during all that time. It took me six months before I actually started looking for a new girl friend. I did that after it was clear to both of us that there was no other way for us to staying together. We stayed married all this time so that I can support her through health insurance, car payment, car insurance and rent payments. However, with the new situation, I personally dont see any other choice than stop all of it and move on.

Thank you for your input and comments.

Happy New Year.

[Marasmus]

Deep down I think you married this woman for a green card.

How come you:
1.married a 324 lbs woman one year after arriving to the US? You dont even say you loved this woman. One must really love a woman to marry her, for real love.

2.Make no mention at all about your immigration status? You make it sound as if all you want is babies, as if that why you came to the US. What brought you to the US?

3.did so much for this woman and you were not getting anything (other than the greencard)?

After reading this last post, I think you are just a smooth operator.

[Kumna]

Marasmus, do not jump the gun.

I came to US for a research at the university. I did not know her, never heard of her.

I did not mention green card because it had never been my focus. I did not mary her for the green card, because I was on my way of getting it anyway (through the university). When we met, I had already filled for the green card. She pushed hard to add her name on it. She made me believe that it was easier if I am married to an american. Honestly, I think that I falled for the Man Comando Syndrome. There are men who think that they can fix anything. When I saw her with her weight, I felt like I could actually save her, make her loose weight. But, I did not realise my limitations. Also, keep in mind, when I lended in USA, there were many things I was not really aware of. I knew the basic things, but I was clueless how manipulative people can be.

Anyway, I just thought I will clear that one out.

Peace.

[bigdummy]

Kumna,

A college professor once told me that men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping they can them them. Your statement about believing you could save her goes against his theory. A lot of men loose interest in their wives after she puts on weight, yet you married a woman who weighed over 300 lbs! Like Marasmus points out, you never said you loved her and I find this very troubling.

Many people come to the US for research as in completing a post doc scholarship or other education, these routes do not guarantee permanent residency like marriage to a USC. One must do an excellent job in research and if s/he was here on a J visa s/he would be required to return home prior to obtaining employment based visa such as H1B.

I'm not accusing you of anything...I don't know you and have no right to judge you. I will say that it bothers me when anyone speaks of their marriage as if it were such hard work and neglects to mention love.

About your wife's medical condition, I don't know how you can arrive at her infertility based on a prescription. Also I might add that by viewing her medical information without her consent you violated HIPAA. Did you even ask her or did you just assume she lied to you?
If she had a pre-existing condition and her doctor knew and had treated her, when you added her to your policy chances are it wouldn't cover expenses related to that condition or at the very least there would be a waiting period.

Many people suffer illinesses related to obesity. Your wife was obese when you met her, obese when you married her and may always be obese. She cannot suddenly shrink to a size 4 woman for you or ever herself. I'm sure your treatment of her has not done anything to make her feel better.

[wooddell6]

Big dummy. Just cuz one man has a theory doesnt mean that its true for everyone. Besides, men marry big women all the time. I have seen little short skinny men with a 400lb woman lol. It is possible that this woman was not his soulmate. Sometimes people marry, then realize that they are better off as friends. As far as HIPAA goes, i do not think that he was violating her rights by looking at her medical form that was in thier home while they were married. I just dont think that anyone should judge this man so harshly without knowing him. We dont know if he treated her badly. I hope that you are not just looking to get a green card kumna. I wish you all the best if your intentions are good.

[Still Learning]

If you look at his old posts the story is there.

[Marasmus]

Kumna you are a joke. You may not admit it here, but am 100% sure you married this woman for a greencard.

I think everything else you say is your self imposed smoke screen, especially since I know how those research based green cards are hard to get.

First, you make it sound as if she pleaded to get her name on the green card application as if she would benefit in some way, yet you know this gave you a short cut. Is it true she requested that or did you play some reverse psychology on her?

Well I hope you keep the friendship with this woman and that you will give her a soft landing because it appears you took advantage of her medical condition for the time you were with her to benefit yourself then left her high and dry.

Do you notice how everything is about yourself saying how you were good and alll that, naive etc? What makes you so humble and 'good'? I think its because you got a greencard. In any case what else did you get from that marriage, to be honest?

It is because you got a greencard that you are saying you are not bitter and want to do things like keep her on your medical insurance and all that. Not because you loved her, because if you did, maybe you would not have poured all the blame on her. Or maybe you would have said how you loved and cared.

You dismiss all your mistakes as 'you were naive'. I imagine you were grown enough to think through things when you came here or did you just find your brain overnight and realized 'you were being misled'?Is it a coincidence the change is after you got the greencard?

I see many holes in your so called 'marriage' which seems to have been a marriage of convenience, whichever way you look at it, only that you are the only one who knew it was a marriage of convenience.

[Kumna]

Well, I admire your passion about this subject.

Without getting into the blame game, I will make couple of comments:

1- Did I love her? Yes, I did love her with all of my heart; And as of today, we are still good friends. I still go visit her parents and grand parents from time to time.

2- Did she really wanted to put her name on the green card application? No. Here is the logics behind all of this: she just graduated from college and she wanted to leave her parent's house. However, she did not want to live by herself and her mom did not want her to live with a man unless they are married. So, she tried to convince me to mary her. Of course, I could have said no. Why didnt I say no? I am sure your first reaction is "Green Card". I said at first no and she kept pushing. Other factors (not immigration related) came into play later that year and I changed my mind.

3-Am I blaming her? No! I do not intend to blame her. Had we had chance to live together just for a month, the marriage would never have happened. Prior to the marriage, we used to see each other about twice a week and talked over the phone the rest of the time. Honestly, I wish we had taken time to live together and to get to know each other. We are both taking responsibility for what happenened and the parents are also understanding that some mistakes were made along the way.

4- What did I get from this marriage? I can thing it's the green card. I say the relationship I developped with the family. The support system we have established. That more vital to me than anything else. I will tell you this, when the marriage broke down, I saw some unpleasant reactions. I made many postings in that regard on this website. And many people suggested that I react with a nasty attitude. However, I chose to work on the survival of friendship. It did take a lot of time and efforts before her family and herself could really understand. But it was worth of it; because I believe that one should not make friends in the first place if they are going to become his/her woes.

It's unfortunate that some people cannot help to see an immigrant as an individual, but rather associate an immigrant with the sole whole purpose of seeking green gard.