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I am desperate(wife filing for battered wife falsely) Help!

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  • #61
    He should have one thing in mind and only one; termination of the marriage/fraud. stop cluttering his mind and this board with your imbecilic nonsense and ridiculous attempts to help the fraudster.

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    • #62
      davdah,

      I am pretty sure after thinking about it some more that annulment is out of the question, not so much because I may comitt a sin, but because I don't believe I can get it.

      To answer your question, when we were together, just the two of us, we had our good times and we had our bad times. She still didn't talk to me honestly, and I could always feel insencerity. The lack of communication was ever present. But I swear I tried my hardest, and she just couldn't.

      I believe my wife's insecurities in herself caused this crazy gealousy towards my mother and insencerity towards me. When I first met her I never thought I would be married nor that I would go all the way back to my home country to bring a wife over. I looked at her simply as a friend. When I saw that there may eventually be something there, I swore I would never lie to her about myself and I was completely open from the start.

      I told her EVERYTHING about me, including how sexual I was. In the beginning we had an agreement. I told her it will take at least 2 years for me to bring her over(at that point I had not even started my process of naturalization), so everyone should live their lives in the mean time, seeing other people until that day, and if it's meant to be it's meant to be. She agreed, but at the same time swore that she wouldn't, but that I could do whatever I wanted.

      That lasted about a month. She soon sensed I was seeing someone, and began being very gealous. She realized that I may fall in love with some other woman, and so her gealousy and insecurity began pressing the "let's wait two years together" issue harder and harder....without really saying that. She made me feel miserable for seeing this other girl, by the way she was acting, so when I saw her beeing so good I stopped seeing any women. FOR TWO YEARS!!!!! And that was when I was 22-23, extremely virile, and before I met her I was dating a bunch of different girls one after another.

      So she began giving in to my fantasies as a way of keeping me home. At the same time I sort of began losing respect for her when I saw what she was capable of. I kept waiting for her to say "Go to hell". Problem was before all this started I had already fallen for her and at that point, I didn't see her as anything other than this pure angel and not only did I love her as a friend, but as I told her, I loved her as if she was my child and I swore to her and myself no matter what she did I would still care for her(obviously I am still keeping my promise). Then she started acting even more cute like a little girl, calling me daddy, etc etc and I believe on a subconcious level she was finding a security in me that she never found in her father. Made me feel great. I was done for. Stick a fork in me.

      Well problem was her gealousy got stronger, I felt guiltier and at the same time I knew from certain slip ups in her stories that she was hiding something. At one point she mentioned that when I saw her in person she wants to talk the entire day and tell me certain things.

      Fast forward to when we first met. A week before we met I had requested that we put our fantasies on hold at least a week(again it bothered me that I had to say this and not her), clear our heads and make love for the first time together. She mentioned she didn't want to the first night, but when I got there, I wanted to talk to her parents, while she grabbed me, took me in her bedroom and ......I felt satisfied....but I felt I didn't satisfy her completely. Something was off.

      I asked. She of course said I was crazy and that it was great. While I was there, it became more like hardcore *** and all of a sudden she was happy as ever. So I said to myself maybe she's just fiery, and this is how she likes it. Maybe this is exactly what I need. So be it. At the same time something in the back of my head told me it shouldn't be like this.

      Now keep in mind, most guys looking for a wife, myself included, would question this behavior. And I did too. But at this point I TRULY believed her story and how much of an angel she was prior to meeting me. So what did I think? Great I found exactly what I needed, she will satisfy me in bed AND is a good girl.

      Uh-huh. Right.

      She never did take that one day to tell me what she wanted to tell me. And me, like most men, I completely forgot she ever said that. Plus the *** was so great, and we had so much fun together I rode the wave and I made my promise to her and her family that I would come back and marry her. Our life kept going like this, with these issues in between all the way to "I do". All the while these bells were going off in my head going "stop stop stop" but she didn't give me a chance to think with the right head. The reason I remember now was because I was going through my email and found the letter where she said that.

      I think what she always wanted to tell me was the truth behind these stories where she was talking in the third person and that she probably got taken advantage of by every guy she was with. But because of her insecurity, and because she probably didn't feel right about herself doing these things...she never did tell me. She missed the opportunity to be honest, and then never had the courage to admitt it again.

      Had I known the truth then, I probably would have backed off my crazy ways, or called the whole thing off, but I never did find out. And it kind of went like that. One day she was up for anything, the next day, she wasn't. So I was like, WTF is going on here?

      Well here we are today. I realize now she's not what I needed. Only I can fix my problems, not her. And I certainly can't fix hers. Only she can.

      But everyone deserves a second chance, even though her and I may never get one. So an anullment is probably too much of a punishment for her in case she ever realizes she messed up and wants to change.

      I do feel like she never really loved me, so I don't see her coming back for me. If anything she will come back to run away again from home. OR better yet, she will go to church(something we never did), put her ambitions to good use, fight her demons, face her own problems, come back and build a life for herself here that anyone would be proud of. Probably too much to hope for.

      I know I have decided to start praying, help myself and control myself better, and I am going back to school. I can't shut her second chance out, and probably couldn't even if i wanted to. So divorce it is.

      I have nothing but debt anyway. So good luck to her, and I hope she doesn't go too crazy when I tell her I am not taking her back if she ever tries to pull the "I was soo stupid" card. Which I fully expect she will in about a month when her parents start working and she finds herself home alone, and back to what she started before she met me. One of three things will happen: continue to think she had no fault, live with her folks until she's 40, and keep praying for the knight in shining armor that will take her away or she realizes she just got off the horse and needs to fight with her teeth to regain her life back over here.....this time ON HER OWN. Or she will come back after finding some other loser and go crazy on me and cotinue on her evil ways.

      But I have to at least give her the chance to choose her own path, and I will live the rest in the hands of faith.

      Comment


      • #63
        Ok I have finally accepted that this guy is really a retard. You all saw how I told him what to do, I encouraged him, I built him up, I even printed inspirational songs for him. OK and we wll know in six months he will be back here crying how unfair the system is to him how he didnt realize that he will have to support her for the rest of her life, etc....

        Don't say this guy wasn't given the support and good advices that he needed. He was just too dumb to take it.

        I am very disappointed that this guy has no b a l l s. He is a disgrace to all men and a disgrace to America.

        Comment


        • #64
          This are emotional times. Brian might start writing poems and broken-love songs next. I expect some photos of them together posted as well. If he was more experienced or had any experience at all his poetry wouldn't rise above the mood of "good riddence to bad trash ~ $crew her!"

          Keep us posted Brian.


          max

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          • #65
            <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by davdah:
            The type of intamcy is not necessarily idicitive of a persons moral character. In other words if she likes 'hard core' doesn't mean she is a tramp. Although society has the image that nice girls don't really like s e x . That they do it to keep the guy happy is a load. You can't judge her for that because you did it too. Did it deflect your moral compass? You see, the two are not connected. It seems she went along with it thinking that was what she had to do to keep you. In your case it was what she had to do.

            She went the extra mile and did the fantasy thing per your request. She got jealous which is natural when you were with someone else. Would you have if you knew she was with another guy? Bottom line is you can't fault her for doing what you asked her to do. Stop and think why did she do it. She had to know it doesn't appear lady like to do what ever those things were. She took a risk in you not judging her for submitting to your requests. But you still judged her. She was ****ed no matter what.

            Both of you have issues and some of it has to do with your connections to your parents. In that one area you were a match. Just remember, when you point your finger you have a few pointing back at you.

            I think its safe to say the idea of an international plot against you was a farse. If she wanted to she had plenty of opportunites. Her being in her home land is the worst place to be for her to carry out something like that.
            If you ever think about trying again the requirement should be for both of you to be on your own a few months before hand. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

            I think you are completely right. She was in a situation of "****ed if I do ****ed if I don't". And again, that never stopped me from carrying for her. I still care for her. And I still respected her in every other aspect. The most major problem with us was the lack of communication. And as I said before, it has to do with her temper which became more and more agressive, uncontrollable, and well simply put "short fused". 0-60 in 2 seconds. You'd figure when you raise your tone at your wife, it would be enough for her to at LEAST analyze what she said. But no...that brought out hate out of her. And the only way she could be controlled at that point was the only way she had been used to her whole life by her father. Intimidation, threats and hitting. Sorry, maybe I'm not a man to them, but I can't be that way towards my wife. If we have to get to that point, there's some major issues. And like I said, I don't know if I have the power to undo 25 years worth of programming.

            There is also no way we can work out our problems if she can't change that aspect. There's also no way I can be with a woman that doesn't respect my family, and on top of that request that I respect hers.

            And finally, my mother, and even my grandmother are the forgive and forget type. And they respected her. More than that loved her. When my wife would have back pains during her period, my mother would massage her for hours, tell her nice stories until she fell asleep as if she was her little girl also. But no all that she forgot and my mother was all of a sudden unbearable. And this wasn't the first time she was disrespectful to my family or my mother, and my mother let it go. Problem is she NEVER admitts guilt. She's revengful. And very cold. And simply put, has no shame.

            It's a deadlock.

            First thing she needs is to go to church. And when she was at my grandmother's, my grandma used to take her. That was the happiest I've ever heard my wife. Every day there was laughter when I used to call her. Every day. Her face even changed. She got younger looking. It was going great for her. My grandmother took care of her for me for 3 months, and I sent them both money. Her mother and father didn't call her the entire time she was over there.

            And when I talked her into going back home to her parents, what did she do? Turn her back on my grandmother, began calling her a liar, false, and fake.

            That's how she got paid back. We're all imperfect, she has no faults, and everyone is her enemy. THAT's how my wife views the world. I mean seriously, we had 30 some friends over here, families with kids, she had co-workers that used to buy her lunch and care for her. She didn't call not ONE of them before she left. Not ONE. Not even her co-workers. HER friends. Not even them.

            Instead, she found the one friend of hours that was kind of like her. This woman who stays with her husband for money, have no kids and sleep in different beds, who back stabbed me and also disliked my mother(as well as her mother, and her mother in law...so they had something in common)....and that's where she went for advice. Out of all people. That's where she went.

            And even after this woman KNEW she betrayed me, and all of her friends for helping them do this behind my back.....what did she find out? My wife didn't even call her.

            I have plenty of issues I have to work out. I have plenty of problems. I am far from perfect. But at least I know it.

            Comment


            • #66
              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by davdah:
              Its no surprise the way she responds to people. With what happened to her the one time she stood up to her dad. She probably has diffictulty communicating with guys in general.
              A lot of it has to do with how a person grows up. If in your family forgive and forget was policy don't assume its the same for others. I would guess in her's it wasn't. She can't be entirely to blame since it is difficult to see problems when they are owned. At this stage be careful. It isn't over yet. There is either going to be reconciliation or divorce. Either way round two is coming up. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

              Exactly. It's exactly what I expect. I fought as hard as I could. I gave everything I could. But a psychologist I am not. And I could not get her to open up while at the same time she made me feel like I did and that there was nothing else left(even though I always sensed something because her actions were totally illogical). Probably why she didn't get satisfaction, true satisfaction out of making love. She never had that. And she didn't know how. But I spent months over at her parents house. Her mother should have told me something about the kind of help she would need. But they did a great job hiding everything too. No one in her family knows how to face their issues.

              Her mother stayed with her father out of fear of being killed by him and really even her daughter(he tried to throw her off their balcony). Her mother took her to her grandparents to raise her until her grandparents couldn't control her anymore and then sent her back to her parents. And when she went from the country to the big city she got mixed in with the wrong crowd, her shy and anti-social personality plus being a girl from the country was a prime target for being taken advantage of not just by guys, but other girl friends. I'm sure they said this is how you should dress, talk, etc etc. And she rebelled on her father throughout her young adult life, to the point where she got pregnant, had an emergency operation because she tried a 7 month abortion, her father disowned her( instead of taking the time to hear her cries), in the mean time continuing to beat on her mother and she lived in that environment until the day he hit her after we got married and she went to my grandmothers. And now after all this time I believe either seeing her father again brought out the old emotions out of her that made her go crazy or maybe this marriage was a way of rebelling against him and running away and NOW that "she paid him back" she is willing to go back home, thinking her father will finally be a dad and take care of her like he never did before. And may God punish me if I am wrong, but I have this horrible feeling deep inside that she was sexually abused by her father at some point in her life, or at least someone. It JUST now hit me. The one night where I was talking to her before I met her, I asked her this question, and she was crying and wouldn't tell me what it was but kept saying...no it's not that, it's something else, it's something else and she hung up the phone and couldn't talk to me anymore. Then, she wrote me the e-mail about how she was going to try to be more sincere and when I got there she was going to tell me certain things.

              Keep in mind.....I am just now connecting all of these dots.

              I will talk to my lawyer today. And I will see where we go from here.

              Comment


              • #67
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by davdah:
                Even if she has gone back home it isn't safe to say this is over. She can and needs to come back. Your still married to her. At the moment you have a feeling of resolution due to the appearance of substantiated suspicions. Everyone thinks their X is a nut case of one sort or another. In reality its just a matter of incompatability. You'll see that in a few years after the anger has died down.

                Until you get confirmation from the police from the missing persons report I would not hold my breath. They could still be here. It isn't too difficult to forward calls from a phone to anywhere in the world. This is far from being over.

                I don't think its true there are no good women left. Come to think of it most women probably say the same thing. Much of it to do with unrealistic expectations. No women will be perfect and likewise you won't be perfect for any women. Its a matter of agreed compromise and effort. If either one isn't willing then it won't work.

                Just out of curiosity. When it was just the two of you and she didn't have much contact with her parents and you yours did you two get along? I still think that may be the cornerstone of your problems. Both of you need to cut the apron strings in order to have any future with anyone. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
                Davdah,
                How can the local police get confirmation if she is in another country? Unless a travel agent, flight attendant, airline employee, or someone who saw her on the plane going back to the home country is a long shot at best, when given where missing persons reports are usually posted. Additionally, the home country police will not be willing to locate someone with no criminal record. Finally, a search warrant will need to be issued to subpena of the flight manifests, travel records, etc. Local police could call the airlines that provide flights to the home country, but, again, it would depend on the willingness of company to cooperate. Long shot. Eventually, the case may be a cold case until she comes back to the US.
                "Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." John Adams on Defense of the boston Massacre

                Comment


                • #68
                  I am not worried about the missing persons report anymore. I talked to my lawyer again and she said that my mother was all I needed as a witness if the issue ever came up as far as when she left, and also for confirmation of her arrival back to her home country(we both talked to the neighbor at different times).

                  According to my lawyer she comitted marriage abandonment, and that's about the worst thing you can do in a marriage, equal to or even worse than affairs. According to her, my wife would have a hard time getting anything at all from me, not that I have much in the first place.

                  Still haven't heard anything from her since the last time I talked to her. I just wish I could find out if she bought a round trip ticket and if so on what date.

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