S.O.S. my american husband makes my life a living hell!

[Kathy1973]

Hello everyone,

I am from the Netherlands, married for 14 months now and I really need HELP!


My husband is a citizen from Louisiana. We met by coincidence online in June 2005. Then IRL we met at the end of July 2005 and we fell so in love, that I rescheduled my already booked vacation to Ireland and went to Louisiana instead. After one month I had to go back home. My whole life was there, my family and friends, my job, my apartment, my car. I was not rich, but happy!
Anyways my husband wrote me emails to come back. He would support me and be my best friends, so he said. But words are only words. Being totally naive I did give up my entire life and sold everything and came to the USA. I did not come with much money, but therefore I had at least no debts. Regarding my age I thought it is now or never, I have to take the risk to become a happy couple. We got married in February 2006 and that is also the day my nightmare began.

My husband abuses me emotional almost every day. HE decides when and about what I am allowed to talk. If he refuses to talk with me I have to be silent. My husband can be silent for several days. I can't cope with his "silent treatments" no more and explode often in anger. My husband has already threatened me more as once to hit me in the face or beat me up if I dare to talk to him again if he does not feel like it.

I can't remember how often he has already told me "to just leave if I can't cope"...but where should I go??? I have no job here; besides working as a "house slave" for my husband I can't do anything as long as I do not receive my GC. Don't get me wrong I am NOT after this stupid GC!!!! I want to go home. I hate to be here. But I am stuck!!!!!!!! My husband trapped me! I am financial depended on him. Emotional too, because if he does not talk with me nobody does...he is the only person I know here.

My husband is never sorry. My husband cares more about his job and his family. My husband is a dictator, does not like to talk and always blames me for everything that does not go well in our relationship, and no matter how hard I try to make things better it is always my fault. He just drives me completely crazy.

Also my husband collects guns. He is a hunter and likes fishing and drinking lots of beer. Whenever he drinks too much Whiskey with coca-cola he becomes very aggressive. I fear for my safety.

I want to go home! But how? I can't file for divorce, because I don't know how and I don't have the money for it. Surely my husband would cancel my credit card of our joint bank account. And Louisiana law says: everything purchased by one party BEFORE the marriage is not considered common properties which means I get nothing!!!!! My husband told m this laughing.

Please I really need help.

[Kathy1973]

Hello everyone,

I am from the Netherlands, married for 14 months now and I really need HELP!


My husband is a citizen from Louisiana. We met by coincidence online in June 2005. Then IRL we met at the end of July 2005 and we fell so in love, that I rescheduled my already booked vacation to Ireland and went to Louisiana instead. After one month I had to go back home. My whole life was there, my family and friends, my job, my apartment, my car. I was not rich, but happy!
Anyways my husband wrote me emails to come back. He would support me and be my best friends, so he said. But words are only words. Being totally naive I did give up my entire life and sold everything and came to the USA. I did not come with much money, but therefore I had at least no debts. Regarding my age I thought it is now or never, I have to take the risk to become a happy couple. We got married in February 2006 and that is also the day my nightmare began.

My husband abuses me emotional almost every day. HE decides when and about what I am allowed to talk. If he refuses to talk with me I have to be silent. My husband can be silent for several days. I can't cope with his "silent treatments" no more and explode often in anger. My husband has already threatened me more as once to hit me in the face or beat me up if I dare to talk to him again if he does not feel like it.

I can't remember how often he has already told me "to just leave if I can't cope"...but where should I go??? I have no job here; besides working as a "house slave" for my husband I can't do anything as long as I do not receive my GC. Don't get me wrong I am NOT after this stupid GC!!!! I want to go home. I hate to be here. But I am stuck!!!!!!!! My husband trapped me! I am financial depended on him. Emotional too, because if he does not talk with me nobody does...he is the only person I know here.

My husband is never sorry. My husband cares more about his job and his family. My husband is a dictator, does not like to talk and always blames me for everything that does not go well in our relationship, and no matter how hard I try to make things better it is always my fault. He just drives me completely crazy.

Also my husband collects guns. He is a hunter and likes fishing and drinking lots of beer. Whenever he drinks too much Whiskey with coca-cola he becomes very aggressive. I fear for my safety.

I want to go home! But how? I can't file for divorce, because I don't know how and I don't have the money for it. Surely my husband would cancel my credit card of our joint bank account. And Louisiana law says: everything purchased by one party BEFORE the marriage is not considered common properties which means I get nothing!!!!! My husband told m this laughing.

Please I really need help.

[Kollerkrot]

Get in touch with "Woman Space" or some other organization that helps women in need. There you can get legal advice and counseling for nothing or if any very little money. These people will be on your side and will understand the situation you are in.

Don't tell him about that. Just go when he is not there. I do understand your situation whole-heartedly.

Good Luck!!

[Kathy1973]

I wish it would be different and "yes" I do blame me too for the troubles in my marriage, but I am the looser in this relationship, not my husband. I just want to get out of this alive. Thank you.

[Vegado]

Dear Kathy,

I am so sorry to hear how you marriage developed.
I was in a very similar situation and didn't know what to do or where to go.
I guess you can file a battered spouse petition, but I am not sure.
Here is what I did:
I contacted our Senator's office and told them my story.
They gave me the telephone number of a free immigration attorney to help with my situation. The senator's office contacted the attorney fist, so of course he was very helpful. They also contacted the INS to inform them that they keep a close watch on my situation.
Actually, I sent my papers to the Senator's office and they forwarded them to the INS.
I think my situation is a little bit different than yours since I am very close to my husband's family, I have friends here and a wonderful church.

Just call your Senator when your husband is not at home, and try to use a 1- 800 number since it doesn't show up on your phone bill.
Good luck to you!
BTW, I am German, so not to far away from your home country.

[ntfd3]

Kathy I am curious about ur status here in USA? Have u filed for PR? Have u done ur biometrics etc? Are u in possession of a Green Card? If not can u tell me if u have filed at all for any paperwork to remain in the USA Legally?

It is possible to return to the Netherlands but its all about what u want to take with u and how u want to go about doing it. I am sure that as u have a credit card that u could theoretically go to the airport and board a plane to amsterdam at any time! However as with a couple of others here if u do u go back to nothing and leave with nothing which is what keeps many in the situation they are in or at least here!

Its not a helpless situation, however I think for anyone to get a proper picture of the situation you must let us know ur status here in the USA. What forms if any were filed?

Filing for divorce is the same here as it is in holland. You go to a solicitor and file. I do think it sad that u have been here for so long and depend solely on ur husband to talk to. Get out and join some charitable organisations or do voluntary work at the local schools. It gets u out and you can expand ur social awareness.

[SonofMichael]

Another fraud. Just go home. Airfare is cheap. Book a ticket on expedia.com. Go ahead I dare you ! 1 Way Ticket NYC to Rotterdam less than $1500 and be free of your alleged nightmare (ooooh he has guns !! LOL) If you are so frightened you wouldnt be posting messages on ILW; you would be on that flight. You already said you have credit card. Why are you worried about what you ar not going to get out of the marriage; how are you entitled to anything at this point? Sounds like he would be more than happy to be rid of you and he is not stopping you. He sees through your scam. We all do. Guns. LOL !!

[ntfd3]

go to church and leave people alone !! The weather is nice go and get some gardening done and stop being a dope

[Kumna]

Kathy1973,

First of all, the issue you are talking about is not particular to your situation, your nationality or immigration status. Many couples worlwide face the same situation. Women usually like to talk a lot, men dont. I remember a study (mentioned on CNN a little while ago) that said women use 7,000 words a day and men only 2,000 words.

Your husband did not trap you, you trapped yourself for not making connections or for not having nothing to do. Do you want him to baby sit you all the time? Many relationships fail because one partner depends on another to give directions as to how to spend he/r life. Your husband goes to work and has recreational activities (hunting, etc.). That makes him less bored. You on the other hand, want to sit at home and have your huby come home just look at your pretty face? Sorry to say this, but it does not matter how beautiful you are, no man will spend his entire life just looking at it. So, get a life. America receives many immigrants each year. You are lucky you came here you knew someone. When I came here, I did not know any body! I started spending the first hour I landed (taxi, hotel, etc.). You should feel lucky, you had someone to help you at least the first months or years. No, stand up for yourself. Get out there and make a life for yourself. Trust me, if you have something going on in your life, you will care less if your huby wants a little time to himself. One thing you need to understand also is that people, including yourself, need their space. If you are constantly in his ear, he will have enough of you. The same thing would have happened if you were in Holland.

Another thing I want to bring to your attention: you say you were living in Holland, with a car, friends, all that. You left all of it and now you want to go back. Well, I think that you are freaking out. As they say, the grass is greener on the other side. Do you wonder why you left Holland although you had all that you claimed to have? You wanted to get out of your confort zone and make a difference in your life. What you have to understand is that it wont happen for free. There is a price for whatever you want out of this life. So, get your act together and face your situation with strength. Stop victimizing yourself. All the problems that you are describing now would have happened in Holland if you had the same attitude.

In sum, my advice to you is this: define clearly what you want out of life and go for it. If that means going back to your old car and friends in Holland, so be it. If that means staying in America, then do whatever it takes. Get out, make friends, join organisations. Whatever you do, dont just sit there; otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and all other people around you.

Peace!

Kumna, your little african boy.

[Kathy1973]

Dear Vegado!
First of all thank you for your tip...I will call my senator during next week when my husband is at work. Actually I am Dutch and German (I grew up in Lower Saxoney near the border of Holland). Also koennen wir eigentlich auch in Deutsch schreiben Danke!

PS: I do not like my in-laws at all...unfortunately my mother and father in law are divorced and only show up here whenever they need something which is a main issue in my marriage. Nevertheless, even without these issues my husband and I just don't get along very well. Unfortunately.

[Kathy1973]

hello ntfd3
I have done the biometrics and payed already for all the forms. Now my husband and I are waiting for the finial interview. So "yes" I am legal here.

I did not come to the USA to GAIN anything. I came here out of love and because my husband did not saw any opportunity to leave the US to live in Europe. I GAVE ALL I HAD UP to be with the man who I thought was "the man of my dreams". I sold all I had underneeth the price just to be with my husband. I can't get a job right away again nor in the Netherlands nor in Germany...I am 33 years old and there are millions of unemployed people in Europe! Without a job I will not have any health insurance (I suffer a disease where I need daily medication) and I can't pay for it because that would be simply to expensive. So YES I am helpless. I was naiv to believe in love. I was naiv to believe my husband's promises.

No, I do not have a GC that is why my husband can control me. I am not allowed to work voluntary nor am I allowed to work.

I was stupid and I am sorry about that.
Its not a helpless situation, however I think for anyone to get a proper picture of the situation you must let us know ur status here in the USA. What forms if any were filed?

Filing for divorce is the same here as it is in holland. You go to a solicitor and file. I do think it sad that u have been here for so long and depend solely on ur husband to talk to. Get out and join some charitable organisations or do voluntary work at the local schools. It gets u out and you can expand ur social awareness.[/QUOTE]

[Kathy1973]

Hello Kumna,
you were harsh, but I appriciate your honesty. But honestly YOU do not know anything at all about my situation and therfore you can't judge me like you do.

I agree that I should 'step up' more for myself. I disagree that I "don't have a life only because I do not work". And for your information my husband does not spend "a little time away" if he goes hunting or on his fishing trips.

NO I do not expect my husband to watch my "pretty face" every day! I don't even expect my husband to flush the toilet no more...he doesn't do anything anyways at home because for housework he has his little slave at home which is ME.

I may not have a job in the USA, but believe me I have never worked this much as here!! Since I am here I do nothing but remodeling his house, cleaning, washing, cooking, car washs, gun cleaning, garden, and so on.

I deserve some respect.
And "silent treatment" is emotional abuse!
Just for your information.

[Kathy1973]

to SonofMichael:

Normally I should not even make the efford to write to you SonofMichael, because the way you write you can not be older as 14! Oh well, also little Teenagers deserve an answer:

First of all I am not "a fraud". I payed my application fees which were not cheap! Second of all: I can't "just go home" because I do not have the money...you must be a rich little boy of a rich little family if 1500,-$ Airfare is cheap to you! If you are so rich why don't you pay my one way trip and why don't you give me some cash to survive the first weeks as well. I need an appartment and a bed to sleep in. I bet you do not have those worries. Your rich Daddy pays, right!?!

And last not least "I am not afraid of my husband"...I shoot better as he does. But that is not the issue. He should not threaten me!!! That is my issue!

I know my husband does not want to "get rid of me", he wants me to stay and change the way he wants me to be. He wants me to love his family. He wants to have his single life with me. But you can't have it all. Actually I love and pity my husband. But that does not mean that I do not take his threats serious. Everybody should take threats serious!

OKay little rich boy, hope you grow up some day.

[SonofMichael]

If I, or any other rational person SINCERELY felt that their life was threatened, they would find a way to get out of the situation no matter what. $1500 is nothing to anyone regardless of how little you make or where you live if your life depends on it. I see thousands of cases a day like yous and its obvious you are making up tales to build up a false "abuse" claim to get your green card. You don't think we are on to this scam?

[Kathy1973]

SINCERELY I do not feel that my life is threatened, that is why I camly try to find a way out of the situation.

$1500 is much to me! And I can't just go and live in a shelter!

Obvious all your cases have made you cold as ice! Maybe it is time for you to do something else!!!And I am "making up" nothing here for your information! You can believe whatever you want!

I have enough problems here with my husband and no interest in your false allegations!