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Aspiring Martyrs Angered Over Proposed Cutbacks

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  • Aspiring Martyrs Angered Over Proposed Cutbacks

    A critical shortage of virgins has suddenly put Heaven itself in the hot seat, informed sources say. The problem cast doubt on whether Islamic martyrs will continue to receive the 72 virgins promised to them as a reward for sacrificing their lives for God. Speculation began circulating that future martyrs might soon be entitled to 60, or perhaps even fewer, virgins.

    The Almighty readily admitted to the problem. "It's a simple matter of supply and demand," He explained. "Just do the math. The September 11 hijackers: there were 19 of 'em, right? That's over 1300 virgins right there. On top of that, look at all the recent suicide bombers in the occupied territories. Every one of those bombers - even the women - gets the 72 virgins."

    God threw up His arms in exasperation. "Where am I supposed to get them all? Do I look like I'm made of virgins?"

    Disappointed followers did not accept the Lord's explanation at face value. "The Qur'an promises us 72 virgins if we sacrifice our lives in the name of Allah," complained prominent Muslim scholar Muhammed Sayed Haqla. "Seventy-two. Not 71, and certainly not 60. I'm trying to recruit prospective martyrs here. If I have to tell people they might only get only 60 or fewer virgins, they're gonna walk."

    As a stopgap measure, God has proposed the use of young, "barely broken-in" non-virgins for less illustrious martyrs. "These guys who blow themselves up and injure, like, three people - they're just abusing the system," the Creator complained. "The 72 virgins are really intended for the big shots, the Mohammed Attas. So, for the lesser guys, I'm offering non-virgins. But you gotta realize, these girls are young, they're supple, they're innocent. Sure, they've had one or two experiences. But the average guy is not going to be able to tell the difference. In fact, I defy you to tell the difference."



    Unsatisfied, Haqla scoffed at the proposal. "He thinks we can't tell virgins from non-virgins? He must be taking us for fools. 'One or two experiences,' He says? 'Barely broken in?' Sounds like a snow job to me."

    Asked whether He should have promised His followers 72 virgins if He was unable to keep up with demand, God answered testily, "Yeah, well, you do this job."

    Scholars and prominent Muslims like Haqla showed little sympathy for God's position. Haqla in particular feels his recruitment effort is in jeopardy. "With the promise of 72 virgins in doubt, I just can't recruit the kind of talent I need. Let's face it, these guys who strap bombs to their chests and walk into a crowded market - they aren't doing it for the glory, they're not doing it for the moral satisfaction. They're doing it for the virgins."

  • #2
    A critical shortage of virgins has suddenly put Heaven itself in the hot seat, informed sources say. The problem cast doubt on whether Islamic martyrs will continue to receive the 72 virgins promised to them as a reward for sacrificing their lives for God. Speculation began circulating that future martyrs might soon be entitled to 60, or perhaps even fewer, virgins.

    The Almighty readily admitted to the problem. "It's a simple matter of supply and demand," He explained. "Just do the math. The September 11 hijackers: there were 19 of 'em, right? That's over 1300 virgins right there. On top of that, look at all the recent suicide bombers in the occupied territories. Every one of those bombers - even the women - gets the 72 virgins."

    God threw up His arms in exasperation. "Where am I supposed to get them all? Do I look like I'm made of virgins?"

    Disappointed followers did not accept the Lord's explanation at face value. "The Qur'an promises us 72 virgins if we sacrifice our lives in the name of Allah," complained prominent Muslim scholar Muhammed Sayed Haqla. "Seventy-two. Not 71, and certainly not 60. I'm trying to recruit prospective martyrs here. If I have to tell people they might only get only 60 or fewer virgins, they're gonna walk."

    As a stopgap measure, God has proposed the use of young, "barely broken-in" non-virgins for less illustrious martyrs. "These guys who blow themselves up and injure, like, three people - they're just abusing the system," the Creator complained. "The 72 virgins are really intended for the big shots, the Mohammed Attas. So, for the lesser guys, I'm offering non-virgins. But you gotta realize, these girls are young, they're supple, they're innocent. Sure, they've had one or two experiences. But the average guy is not going to be able to tell the difference. In fact, I defy you to tell the difference."



    Unsatisfied, Haqla scoffed at the proposal. "He thinks we can't tell virgins from non-virgins? He must be taking us for fools. 'One or two experiences,' He says? 'Barely broken in?' Sounds like a snow job to me."

    Asked whether He should have promised His followers 72 virgins if He was unable to keep up with demand, God answered testily, "Yeah, well, you do this job."

    Scholars and prominent Muslims like Haqla showed little sympathy for God's position. Haqla in particular feels his recruitment effort is in jeopardy. "With the promise of 72 virgins in doubt, I just can't recruit the kind of talent I need. Let's face it, these guys who strap bombs to their chests and walk into a crowded market - they aren't doing it for the glory, they're not doing it for the moral satisfaction. They're doing it for the virgins."

    Comment


    • #3
      LOL Man hahahaha

      Comment


      • #4
        You stupid idiot. What do u think that is? a jokers forum? You are an ignorant, an imbicile with an IQ of one (1) digit.
        How do u dare mention the name of these scum bag terrorists, you are a disgrace to all of us.
        You ain't funny. It sounds to me that you are a loner who got drunk by himself on a saturday, and you obviously have nothing to do. (***Get yourself a woman (or a guy) and get laid****)

        Comment


        • #5
          YOUR MESSAGE OF HATE IS NOT ONLY INSULTING TO MUSLIMS, BUT IS ALSO INSULTING TO EVERY HUMAN BEING WHO BELIVES IG GOD !

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          • #6
            What do you expect from a JEW anyway?

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            • #7
              The problem is not between Arabs and Jews, it is between the extremists at both sides. The above exchange is a clear example of that.

              At any rate, I think that there are many good people out there even among JEWS !

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              • #8
                Catholic,
                First of all I am a Catholic too, but If I had known your mother when she was pregnant with you, I would have kicked you out of her and would have played soccer with your head, so you would not support Arabs who killed thousands of innocent Americans on 9/11/01.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Again,You are proving my point!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Frankly guys... I am catholic. Jesus taught me to love my neighbor and therefore I will, he also taught me that I shouldn't pass judgements, so I won't. It isn't my place, I don't claim to be greater than I am... So therefore, I love anyone from any religion... and the terrorists? Well they just aren't good representations of their religion, just like the priests who have molested children are not adequate representations of catholicism.

                    I do however have to confess that I giggled at this. It was funny and it was supposed to be... tell me the something similar about Irish catholics being promised free whiskey in heaven, and I would probably giggle too... because it's funny.

                    So get a sense of humor!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Keep this thread alive.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Kill the Lawyers..kill the JEWS!

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                        • #13
                          Thank you for reminding everyone to lighten up. This is just like blonde jokes - we have to see the humor in all things, otherwise we'll all go crazy!

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                          • #14
                            Common People. No religion is BAD, THE BAD is, the people who uses the religion as an arms. Kuran/Bible all the holy books leads us to only one Path.
                            Thing is someone has to raise little up from the level and read the true meaning of the golden words written in these books.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Guest:

                              I have three words for you:

                              "SHAME ON YOU"

                              Comment

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