[EDIT: While I thought it was obvious that this is a spoof, the folks at the Onion have apparently fooled a reader or two. I'll now label posts like these as satire.]
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In fact, if you can't laugh at this, I'm not sure you're fit to live in the USA. Our country has a chuckle at everyone's expense and if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen (or USA in this case).
I'm calling my representative to let him know I support the moat and enhancing our catapult technology ;-)