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Thread: Soon to be Ex-Hubby Guilt-Tripping me -- is he right?

  1. #1
    Okay... long story short -- met man, from Germany, fell in love, got married.

    Marriage fell apart. I'm the USC. He was married to his job more than me, I had family issues so moved back to take care of sick grandmother, fell in love with another man, told him about it and requested a divorce.

    I really don't have any grounds, but he certainly does. I got him to file the divorce, and he says he's filed the papers this month.

    Total marriage length -- 4.5 years. Passed initial interview easily, given CPR that day. Before marriage fell apart, I signed the I-751 waiver.

    He called me yesterday to tell me that he received an interview date for his I-751, but he's already filed the divorce papers. Tried to ask me to attempt to come to the interview, but 1) don't believe it'd work since divorce papers already filed and 2) working on the road and will be 2500 miles away from interview location on date of interview and 3) won't lie for him -- if I went, I'd tell them that it was legit but that it fell apart.

    Anyway, when I told him that I absolutely could not come to the interview -- my boss would never allow me to retain my position if I took a week off at this critical juncture -- he started guilt-tripping me, saying that his attorney told him he would absolutely be deported, no question, and said he's bought a plane ticket to Germany for two days before the interview.

    Honestly, if he wants to abandon his petition, that's his own problem and I really don't have much sympathy for him if he won't at least try to get a waiver. From what I understand, though, if he attends the interview with an attorney, explains that divorce papers have been filed, and requests an extension until the divorce is final, he will likely be granted that extension. He would then have to file the I-751 waiver, and it may take up to two years to adjudicate.

    He's got a very successful career (medical resident), and the co-sponsor for his financial paper filed when we first got married is more than willing to work the system to get his Senator to advocate on his behalf. Co-sponser said that he also found a way for him to get an H1B if he can stay in the country until the last year of his residency (that'd mean he'd have to be able to stay legally another 9 months) -- he'd have to sign a contract to work in a rural area as a doctor, but he wouldn't object to that.

    What I'm wondering is -- first, is my information correct that if he shows up to the interview with the divorce papers being started and his attorney, he'll likely get an extension until the divorce is finalized?

    Second, if the waiver is denied but not on the basis of suspected marriage fraud (marriage was completely legit, have major docs, think he was only chosen for interview as a random person), will he still be able to apply for an H1B?

    Honestly, the only reason I'm asking this is because the co-sponsor for the affadavit of support is a good close friend of mine and is working his tail off to make this happen, but soon-to-be-ex hubby is in a panic and calling me at work to guilt-trip me. I don't hold any ill-will to him, and he has every right to hate me, but I couldn't stay married to a man who was married to his work before me.

    Judge me all you want (I know several people on here have been in my soon-to-be-ex-hubby's shoes), but if you'd answer the questions I'd feel grateful. I'm not speaking to him right now because the guilt-tripping phone calls are distracting me from work, and this job is very stressful (24 hour days sometimes, drove 40 hours to get out here and won't be back for two months, and am training 9 people across the country so am on-call 24/7), but co-sponsor thinks he has an excellent chance.

  2. #2
    Okay... long story short -- met man, from Germany, fell in love, got married.

    Marriage fell apart. I'm the USC. He was married to his job more than me, I had family issues so moved back to take care of sick grandmother, fell in love with another man, told him about it and requested a divorce.

    I really don't have any grounds, but he certainly does. I got him to file the divorce, and he says he's filed the papers this month.

    Total marriage length -- 4.5 years. Passed initial interview easily, given CPR that day. Before marriage fell apart, I signed the I-751 waiver.

    He called me yesterday to tell me that he received an interview date for his I-751, but he's already filed the divorce papers. Tried to ask me to attempt to come to the interview, but 1) don't believe it'd work since divorce papers already filed and 2) working on the road and will be 2500 miles away from interview location on date of interview and 3) won't lie for him -- if I went, I'd tell them that it was legit but that it fell apart.

    Anyway, when I told him that I absolutely could not come to the interview -- my boss would never allow me to retain my position if I took a week off at this critical juncture -- he started guilt-tripping me, saying that his attorney told him he would absolutely be deported, no question, and said he's bought a plane ticket to Germany for two days before the interview.

    Honestly, if he wants to abandon his petition, that's his own problem and I really don't have much sympathy for him if he won't at least try to get a waiver. From what I understand, though, if he attends the interview with an attorney, explains that divorce papers have been filed, and requests an extension until the divorce is final, he will likely be granted that extension. He would then have to file the I-751 waiver, and it may take up to two years to adjudicate.

    He's got a very successful career (medical resident), and the co-sponsor for his financial paper filed when we first got married is more than willing to work the system to get his Senator to advocate on his behalf. Co-sponser said that he also found a way for him to get an H1B if he can stay in the country until the last year of his residency (that'd mean he'd have to be able to stay legally another 9 months) -- he'd have to sign a contract to work in a rural area as a doctor, but he wouldn't object to that.

    What I'm wondering is -- first, is my information correct that if he shows up to the interview with the divorce papers being started and his attorney, he'll likely get an extension until the divorce is finalized?

    Second, if the waiver is denied but not on the basis of suspected marriage fraud (marriage was completely legit, have major docs, think he was only chosen for interview as a random person), will he still be able to apply for an H1B?

    Honestly, the only reason I'm asking this is because the co-sponsor for the affadavit of support is a good close friend of mine and is working his tail off to make this happen, but soon-to-be-ex hubby is in a panic and calling me at work to guilt-trip me. I don't hold any ill-will to him, and he has every right to hate me, but I couldn't stay married to a man who was married to his work before me.

    Judge me all you want (I know several people on here have been in my soon-to-be-ex-hubby's shoes), but if you'd answer the questions I'd feel grateful. I'm not speaking to him right now because the guilt-tripping phone calls are distracting me from work, and this job is very stressful (24 hour days sometimes, drove 40 hours to get out here and won't be back for two months, and am training 9 people across the country so am on-call 24/7), but co-sponsor thinks he has an excellent chance.

  3. #3
    Correction -- filed joint I-751 petition, signed. Did not file a waiver at that time.

    argh, terminology is confusing!!!

  4. #4
    And before anyone jumps about hypocricy (me being unwilling to help him because of this job, but me saying he was married to his work)... I gave up several very good career opportunities in favor of his career throughout the marriage. I can't give this up now.

  5. #5
    Nothing to worry about since he is a grint

  6. #6
    Nothing to worry about since he is a grint
    Hey, just because he had the misfortune to be born in another country really doesn't make him a bad person. He's a conceited, passive-agressive workaholic, but not a bad person (and only the first two aspects in this sentence are truly bad things).

    The main reason I'm concerned is because I see the split as my fault -- for finding someone else. But, as I've often been told, 9 out of 10 marriages to doctors end during the residency. It's a very stressful job as well.

    Anyway, I'd like him to be able to stay (he pays his taxes and hasn't been cruel to me), but if he chooses to give up on the petition then I can't feel guilty about it. It's his choice if he wants to fly back to Germany -- and it would definitely make things easier for me if he did. I'm just a bit irritated at him for seeming to give up -- he and I both sacrificed a lot to get him where he is today, and I can't see how anyone could give up without a fight.

    If the waiver is denied, then I might have a reason to feel guilty. But I won't feel guilty if he decides to give up the petition without a fight -- and if he decides to give up, it's not my fault, no matter how he's implied it is. If he tries his best and keeps fighting and gets denied because of the breakup, then it might be my fault, but as it stands, it's not in my opinion.

  7. #7
    I don't know the exact answer for the 1st question, but as for the 2nd question, your ex-husband should still be apply for H1-B, even if the AOS is denied. Now whether he can still legally stay in the country or must leave the country first before the H1-B is approved, thats a different story.

    I suspect if the AOS process is denied, he can files an appeal and extend the process to accumulate the necessary 9 months before the H1-B process can start. Of course this is based on the assumption there's still legal procedures to keep his AOS process alive while not showing up/showing up as a divorcee, for the I-751 interview.

  8. #8
    I don't know the exact answer for the 1st question, but as for the 2nd question, your ex-husband should still be apply for H1-B, even if the AOS is denied. Now whether he can still legally stay in the country or must leave the country first before the H1-B is approved, thats a different story.
    I hope it can be approved. As I said, I really don't hold ill-will toward him, we just are not good for each other on any level.

    I suspect if the AOS process is denied, he can files an appeal and extend the process to accumulate the necessary 9 months before the H1-B process can start. Of course this is based on the assumption there's still legal procedures to keep his AOS process alive while not showing up/showing up as a divorcee, for the I-751 interview.
    Well, I'm pretty sure if he fails to show up for the interview at all, there'll be no hope of keeping that petition going. But I've been told that if he goes to the interview with evidence the divorce papers have been filed and an attorney, he should qualify for an extension until the divorce is final to file his waiver. I know there's no way the divorce will be final before the interview.

    I guess the biggest turn-off about the whole situation is that it seems rather childish to threaten to "take his ball and his bat and go home". When he called he said he was closing all of the bank accounts and cancelling the health insurance, as though these things would upset me. If I want a divorce, it's logical that I've thought about those things and have decided I do not want them. I haven't touched our joint bank account since I came back home to take care of my grandmother. While health insurance is nice, I haven't used it since *before* I came back home. I don't respond well to ultimatums -- and if his ultimatum is "give up your job or I leave the country", it's not a hard decision to make.

    It's almost amusing -- I do Astrology occasionally and our synastric chart said that when he issued ultimatums, I would call his bluff. In this case, it's exactly what happened. I didn't intend for things to come out this way -- but guilt-trips and passive-agressive behavior really make me angry. If he wants to continue to stay in the US, I will be glad to do what I can (write a letter, speak to officials, etc), but I can't give up my job to attend an interview that will likely be futile since he has already filed divorce papers.

    Thanks for your advice.

  9. #9
    Melaine, what is your question?

    I will be glad to try to answer , as long as they are not of the nature only you yourself could answer.

    Most helpful responce can be obtained by making your questions short and to the point.

    F.e.

    1) 'Can I' or 'Is there a Law permitting Me/Him/Other to obtain {such and such benefit} under {such and such ] circumstances?'
    2) 'If YES, how?
    If NO, why?'
    3) 'What other legal venues exist to [your goal]?'
    4) Etc.

  10. #10
    Melaine,
    I have all of your posting regarding this subject. I believe that what you are looking for is not a legal help, but rather an advice on what you should do. You seem to understand what is legally required of him to stay here. It's unfortunate that your marriage did not work out.

    If I were you, I would follow through my commitment. I understand that your job is at risk, but trust me, if you really wanted to help him out, you would figure out a way regardless of the circumstances. We, as human beings, always try to find excuses to justify our behaviors and we do this when the behaviors do not seem to go along with established morales. You are at that stage of exercise right not and you are trying to find people to give you confort in your position so that you wont have to bear the weight of the guilt. Other people might put up with it, but I will give you an honest answer that will shock you: you are beeing selfish, period. First, you claimed that you married someone out of love. But yet, since your expectations were not met, you went out of the relationship by pretending that you have found another love. How long are you going to keep deceiving yourself? Now, the person you have abandonned is in need and you wont back him up? As for the divorce papers, it's not yet final. Have you considered to withdraw it for now until the interview is over? You still can go to the interview and say that you intend to divorce even though the marriage was bona fide. Legally, they cant deny his case under that circumstance. After the interview, he can re-introduce the divorce paper and you will have your peace of mind you are seeking.

    Overall, it does not matter what excuses you will invent, if your soon to be ex-huby gets denied and deported, you will have that guilt with you for the rest of your life. Again, I am assuming you are a human being with emotions.

    And Again, I am just an african who values human beings more than anything else.

    I hope this gives you little enlightment and please take a hard look at the facts before deciding.

    Not everyone is capable of asking the trivial question: "What am I pretending not to see?"

    Good luck!

    Cisse.

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