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Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Woody Allen Quotes`

  1. #1
    Woody Allen Quotes`

    Annie Hall

    "The food at this place is really terrible". And the other one says: "Yeah, I know. And such small portions."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    [...] I interestingly dated a woman in the Eisenhover administration, briefly, and it was ironic to me because I was
    trying to do to her what Eisenhover has been doing to the country for the last [?] years.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't
    know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to
    me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky,
    to be miserable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within
    the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hey, don't knock m a s t u r b a t i o n. It's s e x with someone I love.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alvy: You look like a really happy couple? Are you?
    Woman: Yeah.
    Alvy: Yeah? So how to you count for it?
    Woman: I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
    Man: And I'm exactly the same way.
    Alvy: I see. That's very interesting. So you managed to work out something?
    Man: Right!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Annie: You know I just like to smoke a little something before ***, it helps me relax
    Alvy: How about I give you some Sodium Pentathol and can sleep through the whole thing.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Manhattan

    I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in
    2001.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hannah and Her Sisters

    How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop
    throwing up.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Husbands and Wives

    You use *** to express every emotion except love

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I thought your line was great about, uh, "life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Shadows and Fog

    I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could
    dance it for you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bananas

    Doctor to Miles: And if they capture you, you don't know anything. They could torture you for hours and what
    could you tell them?
    Miles: Only my name, rank, and your names.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Play It Again, Sam

    Diane: My God. Can't you cook anything but that TV dinner?
    Woody: Who bothers to cook them? I **** them frozen.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    `What are you planning on doing Saturday night?`
    `Committing suicide!`
    `Well... how about Friday night?`

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Take the Money and Run

    But she was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I
    wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Love and Death

    My room at midnight?
    All right. Will you be there too?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sonja: To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to
    love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but
    suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much
    happiness. I hope you're getting this down...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Crimes and Misdemeanors

    The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the
    waking hours much more.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

    PLATO: For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it
    take.

    SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
    justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

    CONSULTING COMPANY: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
    threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
    significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for
    the newly competitive market. Our Consulting Company, in a partnering
    relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
    physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
    Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its
    skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
    chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
    strategy within a Program Management framework. Our Consulting Company
    convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along
    with our consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry
    to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
    personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
    synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
    delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
    enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
    cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,
    enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
    based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
    market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
    values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
    integration solution. Our Consulting Company helped the chicken change to
    become more successful.

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
    'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
    free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
    "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
    was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
    chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
    chicken did NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
    why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
    ever think to ask, What the **** was this chicken doing walking around all
    over the place, anyway?"

    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
    road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
    not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
    and balance your checkbook.

    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
    Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
    overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
    in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
    the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

    RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended
    it.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Things that make you go Hmm
    All of those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    For Sale: Parachute, Only use once, never opened, small stain.
    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injection?
    Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HOMER QUOTES

    It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife
    and a troubled child, but somehow I
    managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Homer: But every time I learn something
    new, it pushes out something old!
    Remember that time I took a home
    wine-making course and forgot how to
    drive?
    Marge: That's because you were drunk!
    Homer: And how!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Operator! Give me the number for 911!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the
    boss?

    Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back
    seat of my car with the woman I love,
    and I won't be back for ten minutes!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me,
    and I don't like you, but let's get through
    this thing and then I can continue killing
    you with beer.
    Homer's Brain: It's a deal!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick
    is to say you're prejudiced against all
    races.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
    Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse
    psychology.
    Homer: Okay, I will!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer (looking up at the living room
    ceiling): "God, why do you mock me?"
    Marge : "That's not God, that's a waffle
    that Bart threw on the ceiling."
    Homer"Mmmm...Sacrelicious!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been
    good to me. As an offering, I present
    these milk and cookies. If you wish me to
    eat them instead, please give me no sign
    whatsoever... thy bidding will be done
    (munch munch munch).

  2. #2
    Woody Allen Quotes`

    Annie Hall

    "The food at this place is really terrible". And the other one says: "Yeah, I know. And such small portions."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    [...] I interestingly dated a woman in the Eisenhover administration, briefly, and it was ironic to me because I was
    trying to do to her what Eisenhover has been doing to the country for the last [?] years.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible be like, I don't
    know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to
    me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky,
    to be miserable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within
    the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hey, don't knock m a s t u r b a t i o n. It's s e x with someone I love.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Alvy: You look like a really happy couple? Are you?
    Woman: Yeah.
    Alvy: Yeah? So how to you count for it?
    Woman: I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.
    Man: And I'm exactly the same way.
    Alvy: I see. That's very interesting. So you managed to work out something?
    Man: Right!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Annie: You know I just like to smoke a little something before ***, it helps me relax
    Alvy: How about I give you some Sodium Pentathol and can sleep through the whole thing.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Manhattan

    I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in
    2001.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Hannah and Her Sisters

    How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop
    throwing up.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Husbands and Wives

    You use *** to express every emotion except love

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I thought your line was great about, uh, "life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Shadows and Fog

    I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could
    dance it for you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bananas

    Doctor to Miles: And if they capture you, you don't know anything. They could torture you for hours and what
    could you tell them?
    Miles: Only my name, rank, and your names.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Play It Again, Sam

    Diane: My God. Can't you cook anything but that TV dinner?
    Woody: Who bothers to cook them? I **** them frozen.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    `What are you planning on doing Saturday night?`
    `Committing suicide!`
    `Well... how about Friday night?`

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Take the Money and Run

    But she was so sweet and we just walked in the park and I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I
    wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Love and Death

    My room at midnight?
    All right. Will you be there too?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sonja: To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to
    love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer but
    suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much
    happiness. I hope you're getting this down...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Crimes and Misdemeanors

    The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the
    waking hours much more.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

    PLATO: For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it
    take.

    SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
    justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

    RONALD REAGAN: I forgot.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

    CONSULTING COMPANY: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
    threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
    significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for
    the newly competitive market. Our Consulting Company, in a partnering
    relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
    physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
    Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its
    skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
    chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
    strategy within a Program Management framework. Our Consulting Company
    convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along
    with our consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry
    to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
    personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
    synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
    delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
    enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
    cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,
    enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
    based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
    market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
    values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
    integration solution. Our Consulting Company helped the chicken change to
    become more successful.

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
    'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
    free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
    "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
    was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
    chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
    chicken did NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
    why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
    ever think to ask, What the **** was this chicken doing walking around all
    over the place, anyway?"

    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
    road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
    not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
    and balance your checkbook.

    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
    Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
    overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
    in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
    the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

    RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended
    it.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Things that make you go Hmm
    All of those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    For Sale: Parachute, Only use once, never opened, small stain.
    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injection?
    Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HOMER QUOTES

    It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife
    and a troubled child, but somehow I
    managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Homer: But every time I learn something
    new, it pushes out something old!
    Remember that time I took a home
    wine-making course and forgot how to
    drive?
    Marge: That's because you were drunk!
    Homer: And how!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Operator! Give me the number for 911!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the
    boss?

    Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back
    seat of my car with the woman I love,
    and I won't be back for ten minutes!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me,
    and I don't like you, but let's get through
    this thing and then I can continue killing
    you with beer.
    Homer's Brain: It's a deal!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick
    is to say you're prejudiced against all
    races.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
    Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
    Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse
    psychology.
    Homer: Okay, I will!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Homer (looking up at the living room
    ceiling): "God, why do you mock me?"
    Marge : "That's not God, that's a waffle
    that Bart threw on the ceiling."
    Homer"Mmmm...Sacrelicious!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been
    good to me. As an offering, I present
    these milk and cookies. If you wish me to
    eat them instead, please give me no sign
    whatsoever... thy bidding will be done
    (munch munch munch).

  3. #3

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