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Soon to be Ex-Hubby Guilt-Tripping me -- is he right?

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  • Soon to be Ex-Hubby Guilt-Tripping me -- is he right?

    Okay... long story short -- met man, from Germany, fell in love, got married.

    Marriage fell apart. I'm the USC. He was married to his job more than me, I had family issues so moved back to take care of sick grandmother, fell in love with another man, told him about it and requested a divorce.

    I really don't have any grounds, but he certainly does. I got him to file the divorce, and he says he's filed the papers this month.

    Total marriage length -- 4.5 years. Passed initial interview easily, given CPR that day. Before marriage fell apart, I signed the I-751 waiver.

    He called me yesterday to tell me that he received an interview date for his I-751, but he's already filed the divorce papers. Tried to ask me to attempt to come to the interview, but 1) don't believe it'd work since divorce papers already filed and 2) working on the road and will be 2500 miles away from interview location on date of interview and 3) won't lie for him -- if I went, I'd tell them that it was legit but that it fell apart.

    Anyway, when I told him that I absolutely could not come to the interview -- my boss would never allow me to retain my position if I took a week off at this critical juncture -- he started guilt-tripping me, saying that his attorney told him he would absolutely be deported, no question, and said he's bought a plane ticket to Germany for two days before the interview.

    Honestly, if he wants to abandon his petition, that's his own problem and I really don't have much sympathy for him if he won't at least try to get a waiver. From what I understand, though, if he attends the interview with an attorney, explains that divorce papers have been filed, and requests an extension until the divorce is final, he will likely be granted that extension. He would then have to file the I-751 waiver, and it may take up to two years to adjudicate.

    He's got a very successful career (medical resident), and the co-sponsor for his financial paper filed when we first got married is more than willing to work the system to get his Senator to advocate on his behalf. Co-sponser said that he also found a way for him to get an H1B if he can stay in the country until the last year of his residency (that'd mean he'd have to be able to stay legally another 9 months) -- he'd have to sign a contract to work in a rural area as a doctor, but he wouldn't object to that.

    What I'm wondering is -- first, is my information correct that if he shows up to the interview with the divorce papers being started and his attorney, he'll likely get an extension until the divorce is finalized?

    Second, if the waiver is denied but not on the basis of suspected marriage fraud (marriage was completely legit, have major docs, think he was only chosen for interview as a random person), will he still be able to apply for an H1B?

    Honestly, the only reason I'm asking this is because the co-sponsor for the affadavit of support is a good close friend of mine and is working his tail off to make this happen, but soon-to-be-ex hubby is in a panic and calling me at work to guilt-trip me. I don't hold any ill-will to him, and he has every right to hate me, but I couldn't stay married to a man who was married to his work before me.

    Judge me all you want (I know several people on here have been in my soon-to-be-ex-hubby's shoes), but if you'd answer the questions I'd feel grateful. I'm not speaking to him right now because the guilt-tripping phone calls are distracting me from work, and this job is very stressful (24 hour days sometimes, drove 40 hours to get out here and won't be back for two months, and am training 9 people across the country so am on-call 24/7), but co-sponsor thinks he has an excellent chance.

  • #2
    Okay... long story short -- met man, from Germany, fell in love, got married.

    Marriage fell apart. I'm the USC. He was married to his job more than me, I had family issues so moved back to take care of sick grandmother, fell in love with another man, told him about it and requested a divorce.

    I really don't have any grounds, but he certainly does. I got him to file the divorce, and he says he's filed the papers this month.

    Total marriage length -- 4.5 years. Passed initial interview easily, given CPR that day. Before marriage fell apart, I signed the I-751 waiver.

    He called me yesterday to tell me that he received an interview date for his I-751, but he's already filed the divorce papers. Tried to ask me to attempt to come to the interview, but 1) don't believe it'd work since divorce papers already filed and 2) working on the road and will be 2500 miles away from interview location on date of interview and 3) won't lie for him -- if I went, I'd tell them that it was legit but that it fell apart.

    Anyway, when I told him that I absolutely could not come to the interview -- my boss would never allow me to retain my position if I took a week off at this critical juncture -- he started guilt-tripping me, saying that his attorney told him he would absolutely be deported, no question, and said he's bought a plane ticket to Germany for two days before the interview.

    Honestly, if he wants to abandon his petition, that's his own problem and I really don't have much sympathy for him if he won't at least try to get a waiver. From what I understand, though, if he attends the interview with an attorney, explains that divorce papers have been filed, and requests an extension until the divorce is final, he will likely be granted that extension. He would then have to file the I-751 waiver, and it may take up to two years to adjudicate.

    He's got a very successful career (medical resident), and the co-sponsor for his financial paper filed when we first got married is more than willing to work the system to get his Senator to advocate on his behalf. Co-sponser said that he also found a way for him to get an H1B if he can stay in the country until the last year of his residency (that'd mean he'd have to be able to stay legally another 9 months) -- he'd have to sign a contract to work in a rural area as a doctor, but he wouldn't object to that.

    What I'm wondering is -- first, is my information correct that if he shows up to the interview with the divorce papers being started and his attorney, he'll likely get an extension until the divorce is finalized?

    Second, if the waiver is denied but not on the basis of suspected marriage fraud (marriage was completely legit, have major docs, think he was only chosen for interview as a random person), will he still be able to apply for an H1B?

    Honestly, the only reason I'm asking this is because the co-sponsor for the affadavit of support is a good close friend of mine and is working his tail off to make this happen, but soon-to-be-ex hubby is in a panic and calling me at work to guilt-trip me. I don't hold any ill-will to him, and he has every right to hate me, but I couldn't stay married to a man who was married to his work before me.

    Judge me all you want (I know several people on here have been in my soon-to-be-ex-hubby's shoes), but if you'd answer the questions I'd feel grateful. I'm not speaking to him right now because the guilt-tripping phone calls are distracting me from work, and this job is very stressful (24 hour days sometimes, drove 40 hours to get out here and won't be back for two months, and am training 9 people across the country so am on-call 24/7), but co-sponsor thinks he has an excellent chance.

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    • #3
      Correction -- filed joint I-751 petition, signed. Did not file a waiver at that time.

      argh, terminology is confusing!!!

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      • #4
        And before anyone jumps about hypocricy (me being unwilling to help him because of this job, but me saying he was married to his work)... I gave up several very good career opportunities in favor of his career throughout the marriage. I can't give this up now.

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        • #5
          Nothing to worry about since he is a grint

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          • #6
            Nothing to worry about since he is a grint
            Hey, just because he had the misfortune to be born in another country really doesn't make him a bad person. He's a conceited, passive-agressive workaholic, but not a bad person (and only the first two aspects in this sentence are truly bad things).

            The main reason I'm concerned is because I see the split as my fault -- for finding someone else. But, as I've often been told, 9 out of 10 marriages to doctors end during the residency. It's a very stressful job as well.

            Anyway, I'd like him to be able to stay (he pays his taxes and hasn't been cruel to me), but if he chooses to give up on the petition then I can't feel guilty about it. It's his choice if he wants to fly back to Germany -- and it would definitely make things easier for me if he did. I'm just a bit irritated at him for seeming to give up -- he and I both sacrificed a lot to get him where he is today, and I can't see how anyone could give up without a fight.

            If the waiver is denied, then I might have a reason to feel guilty. But I won't feel guilty if he decides to give up the petition without a fight -- and if he decides to give up, it's not my fault, no matter how he's implied it is. If he tries his best and keeps fighting and gets denied because of the breakup, then it might be my fault, but as it stands, it's not in my opinion.

            Comment


            • #7
              I don't know the exact answer for the 1st question, but as for the 2nd question, your ex-husband should still be apply for H1-B, even if the AOS is denied. Now whether he can still legally stay in the country or must leave the country first before the H1-B is approved, thats a different story.

              I suspect if the AOS process is denied, he can files an appeal and extend the process to accumulate the necessary 9 months before the H1-B process can start. Of course this is based on the assumption there's still legal procedures to keep his AOS process alive while not showing up/showing up as a divorcee, for the I-751 interview.

              Comment


              • #8
                I don't know the exact answer for the 1st question, but as for the 2nd question, your ex-husband should still be apply for H1-B, even if the AOS is denied. Now whether he can still legally stay in the country or must leave the country first before the H1-B is approved, thats a different story.
                I hope it can be approved. As I said, I really don't hold ill-will toward him, we just are not good for each other on any level.

                I suspect if the AOS process is denied, he can files an appeal and extend the process to accumulate the necessary 9 months before the H1-B process can start. Of course this is based on the assumption there's still legal procedures to keep his AOS process alive while not showing up/showing up as a divorcee, for the I-751 interview.
                Well, I'm pretty sure if he fails to show up for the interview at all, there'll be no hope of keeping that petition going. But I've been told that if he goes to the interview with evidence the divorce papers have been filed and an attorney, he should qualify for an extension until the divorce is final to file his waiver. I know there's no way the divorce will be final before the interview.

                I guess the biggest turn-off about the whole situation is that it seems rather childish to threaten to "take his ball and his bat and go home". When he called he said he was closing all of the bank accounts and cancelling the health insurance, as though these things would upset me. If I want a divorce, it's logical that I've thought about those things and have decided I do not want them. I haven't touched our joint bank account since I came back home to take care of my grandmother. While health insurance is nice, I haven't used it since *before* I came back home. I don't respond well to ultimatums -- and if his ultimatum is "give up your job or I leave the country", it's not a hard decision to make.

                It's almost amusing -- I do Astrology occasionally and our synastric chart said that when he issued ultimatums, I would call his bluff. In this case, it's exactly what happened. I didn't intend for things to come out this way -- but guilt-trips and passive-agressive behavior really make me angry. If he wants to continue to stay in the US, I will be glad to do what I can (write a letter, speak to officials, etc), but I can't give up my job to attend an interview that will likely be futile since he has already filed divorce papers.

                Thanks for your advice.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Melaine, what is your question?

                  I will be glad to try to answer , as long as they are not of the nature only you yourself could answer.

                  Most helpful responce can be obtained by making your questions short and to the point.

                  F.e.

                  1) 'Can I' or 'Is there a Law permitting Me/Him/Other to obtain {such and such benefit} under {such and such ] circumstances?'
                  2) 'If YES, how?
                  If NO, why?'
                  3) 'What other legal venues exist to [your goal]?'
                  4) Etc.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Melaine,
                    I have all of your posting regarding this subject. I believe that what you are looking for is not a legal help, but rather an advice on what you should do. You seem to understand what is legally required of him to stay here. It's unfortunate that your marriage did not work out.

                    If I were you, I would follow through my commitment. I understand that your job is at risk, but trust me, if you really wanted to help him out, you would figure out a way regardless of the circumstances. We, as human beings, always try to find excuses to justify our behaviors and we do this when the behaviors do not seem to go along with established morales. You are at that stage of exercise right not and you are trying to find people to give you confort in your position so that you wont have to bear the weight of the guilt. Other people might put up with it, but I will give you an honest answer that will shock you: you are beeing selfish, period. First, you claimed that you married someone out of love. But yet, since your expectations were not met, you went out of the relationship by pretending that you have found another love. How long are you going to keep deceiving yourself? Now, the person you have abandonned is in need and you wont back him up? As for the divorce papers, it's not yet final. Have you considered to withdraw it for now until the interview is over? You still can go to the interview and say that you intend to divorce even though the marriage was bona fide. Legally, they cant deny his case under that circumstance. After the interview, he can re-introduce the divorce paper and you will have your peace of mind you are seeking.

                    Overall, it does not matter what excuses you will invent, if your soon to be ex-huby gets denied and deported, you will have that guilt with you for the rest of your life. Again, I am assuming you are a human being with emotions.

                    And Again, I am just an african who values human beings more than anything else.

                    I hope this gives you little enlightment and please take a hard look at the facts before deciding.

                    Not everyone is capable of asking the trivial question: "What am I pretending not to see?"

                    Good luck!

                    Cisse.

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                    • #11
                      Mine is harassing me to no end. We separated in Dec, I have to wait 6 months to file for divorce. Going right now to get a restraining order on him.
                      Formerly Josephine Schmo

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                      • #12
                        I agreed with every word that Cisse wrote.Please help him to get through this final phase in his case.

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                        • #13
                          very good answer given by Cisse.. I have similar situation case and girl is guyanese too.
                          Its a discussion, not a legal advise..

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                          • #14
                            The creation emerges from truth and merges into truth,
                            Is there a place in the cosmos where truth is not?
                            Visualise this pure and unsullied truth. (Telugu poem)

                            Embodiments of Love! Students!
                            You have joined this institution to pursue your education. Firstly, make efforts to understand the true meaning of education. Humility and character are the hallmark of education. But, today students do not develop humility. They are interested only in acquiring degrees. However, our educational institution is an exception in this regard. Few students come here with the sole objective of acquiring degrees. Most of them come here with the single aim of pleasing Swami by striving to follow Swami's ideals and attain exalted position in life. They give happiness to their parents by their good conduct.

                            Students!
                            Education does not mean mere acquisition of degrees.
                            Oh man! Examine and enquire for yourself what great happiness you have achieved by spending all the time from dawn to dusk in acquiring knowledge and earning wealth unmindful of God.
                            (Telugu poem)

                            One may acquire a high academic qualification such as M.A. and B.A. and attain exalted position,
                            One may amass wealth, perform acts of charity and attain name and fame,
                            One may have physical strength and enjoy a long and healthy life,
                            One may be a great scholar studying and preaching the Vedas,
                            But none can equal a true devotee of the Lord. (Telugu poem)

                            Having entered the portals of this educational institution, you should try to understand the value and true meaning of education. Only when you understand these aspects, can you be called truly educated. There is a lot of knowledge in pustakas (books), but what is the use if the mastaka (head) is filled with 'mud'? Once you fill your mastaka with knowledge, you need not refer to pustakas any more.

                            Elders should evince interest in the education of their children. They should enquire as to what the children are learning in the educational institution and constantly monitor their progress. Modern students react to the queries of elders in a discourteous manner. They indulge in mere verbosity and confuse the elders.

                            Students should earn a good name in society and uphold the reputation and prestige of the institution in which they study. An educational institution is like a gigantic tree. Different subjects are like its branches and sub-branches. Virtues are like the fragrant flowers that you find on the tree. Faith is like the roots. When you water the roots of faith, you get the fruit of Ananda.

                            At present, all educational institutions have begun to feel that character is very important for a student. The end of education is character. Character does not mean good conduct alone. One should consider the fellow human beings as one's own brothers and sisters. One should develop Bhava Shuddhi (purity in feelings), which will ultimately lead to Jnana Siddhi (attainment of wisdom).

                            Our students are highly virtuous. I repeatedly say that they are My property. When I have such a property with Me, why should I worry about anything? I asked the boys who appeared for the GATE examination, "My dear ones! How did you write the exam?" They said, "Swami, with Your grace and blessings we have done well. You say that students are Your property. Having been blessed with the opportunity of being Your students, our only aim is to live up to Your ideals and bring a good name to the Institute." I was very pleased and deeply touched by their answer. It is heartening to note that there are such ideal students in our Institute. It is because of such noble students that the country has progressed and prospered. If there are no men and women of virtues, how can the world shine with all its brilliance?

                            Our students do not indulge in empty rhetoric, they are men of action. Their sincerity makes Me happy. I have come to impart such ideal education to the students and inculcate virtues in them.

                            In spite of his education and intelligence, a foolish man will not know his true Self and a mean-minded person will not give up his evil qualities. (Telugu poem)

                            Modern education leads only to argumentation, not to total wisdom. What is the use of acquiring education which cannot lead you to immortality? Acquire the knowledge that will make you immortal. (Telugu poem)

                            Once you acquire the knowledge of the Self, you would have acquired everything else. These words of wisdom are imprinted in the hearts of our students.

                            Embodiments of Love! Students!
                            You have proved your worth among lakhs of students and secured high ranks in the GATE examination (loud applause). The examiners were highly impressed with the intelligence and behaviour of our students. They wanted to know whether our students came from East or West, North or South. Our students replied, "Sir, we are neither from East nor from West, neither from South nor from North, we are the students of Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning."

                            They are not satisfied with what they have achieved. They are striving hard to bring more and more laurels to our Institute. Wherever you go, you find our students leading exemplary lives propagating the ideals of our educational institutions.

                            Once someone asked our students what type of food they like to take, vegetarian or non-vegetarian. They replied in one voice, "Non-vegetarian food gives rise to evil thoughts and feelings; hence we would never touch non-vegetarian food." They are 100% vegetarians. Even the students who used to eat non-vegetarian food earlier become vegetarians once they join our Institute. Once someone tried to persuade one of our students to take non-vegetarian food, saying it contained a lot of good nutrients. But, he not budge from his stand. He said, "I don't want such vitamins and proteins. Even vegetarian food has all the vitamins and proteins that I need. I want to tread the path of truth and non-vegetarian food is not at all conducive for spiritual progress. Along with secular education, I want to acquire spiritual education and propagate it to the world." There are many such students who are firm in their resolve to spread the Sai ideals. It is because of such noble students that our institution has attained worldwide fame.

                            Students should develop good habits right from their childhood to enjoy good health and happiness. In this context, there is a poem which reads as follows:

                            Get up early in the morning at the crowing of the ****,
                            Have a bath after your morning ablutions,
                            Wear a proper dress.
                            Eat properly and moderately.
                            Go to school and study diligently.
                            Earn a good name.
                            Don't move out when it is raining,
                            And never go near the murky pools.
                            Take part in games,
                            Run and play.
                            If you abide by all these rules,
                            You will have both health and wealth. (Telugu poem)

                            Students should exercise restraint over their food habits. Even birds, beasts and animals observe certain regulations in this regard. Born as human beings and having acquired education, is it not expected of you to follow proper discipline with regard to food? Students who eat non-vegetarian food right from their childhood give up that habit when they join our institution. Even their parents are surprised at their transformation. When one of our students went home during vacation, his mother tried to serve him non-vegetarian food. He refused to touch it and requested his mother not to prepare non-vegetarian items in future. He explained to his parents the ill effects of consuming non-vegetarian food.

                            Non-vegetarian food is the cause of several diseases like cancer. You might have read in journals and newspapers that most of the people in Singapore eat fish. Consequently, they are infected by several harmful micro-organisms. Similar instances were reported from various parts of Bharat. It is because of unhealthy food that people suffer from diseases. Many are under the mistaken notion that non-vegetarian food gives them strength, but in reality it makes them weak. Once you spoil your health by partaking of non-vegetarian food, you will never be able to regain your health even if you spend the rest of your life in forests eating fruits and tubers.

                            These were the answers given by our students when they were asked questions about their food habits. The explanation given by our students made such an impact on the audience that many of them became total vegetarians. As is the food so is the mind. As is the mind so is the man. Hence, one must necessarily partake of sacred and sattwic food to lead a happy and healthy life. Of late, there is a growing awareness among the Bharatiyas about the influence of food on one's mind. Consequently, people are changing their food habits for the better. Our body is made up of flesh. Why should you feed it again with flesh? Such unsacred food gives rise to unsacred thoughts.

                            Students!
                            It is not enough if you observe regulations with regard to food alone; you should cultivate good habits also. You should participate in sports and games regularly. Take part in such games which will help in the blossoming of your physical and mental faculties. Healthy food and good habits will take you to exalted position in life.

                            Dear Bangaru Students!
                            Truly, you are like gold. It is not possible to describe your sacred feelings. You speak from the depths of your hearts. The language you speak is not ordinary. It is Atma Bhasha (language of the spirit). You are leading your lives with sacred feelings. However, keep away from bad company. It is said, "Tell me your company, I shall tell you what you are." "As is your company, so you become." Hence, always keep good company. Be in the company of those who speak good words. Never utter harsh and unsacred words. If you use unkind words, people will treat you like an enemy. If you speak softly and sweetly, people would enjoy your company and talk to you for any length of time. When you are in the company of others, make sure that your body is clean and your mouth does not emit bad smell. You should take proper care of your health in every possible way. When your body is clean and healthy and when your thoughts, words and deeds are pure, you will be loved by one and all.

                            Students!
                            Wherever you may go, ensure that you are presentable and acceptable in every way. Only then will you earn the respect of others. Always keep your mouth clean. Bad breath leads to various diseases. Not merely that, it will cause inconvenience to others. If your mouth emits foul smell, people try to avoid you. Hence, the moment you get up from bed in the morning, you should brush your teeth and clean your tongue thoroughly. When you keep your mouth fresh and clean, you will enjoy good health. Though I don't sleep in the night, I brush My teeth before going to bed. I brush My teeth at regular intervals so as to keep My mouth fresh and clean. That is why I don't have any health problem. I don't have any pain whatsoever.

                            You should take care that no food particle sticks between your teeth. Some people use a hard brush to clean their teeth. As a result, their gums start bleeding. But I use a very soft brush. Even now My teeth are so strong that I can crack a betel nut. My students are struck with awe and wonder when they witness My physical power.

                            Students!
                            It will be a matter of shame that you spoil your health and submit yourself to the hands of a doctor. Hence, each one has to take care of one's own health. One should never be dependent on others. This is what I teach to My students quite often. Get up early in the morning, do some jogging and exercise so as to keep your body fit. During examination time, students try to keep themselves awake in the night for late hours to study. They keep dozing with books in front of them. Such studies will take you nowhere. Do not force yourself to study when you feel sleepy. Keep the books aside and go to bed peacefully. You should study only when your mind is fresh and attentive.

                            Oh man! Do not feel proud of your education and scholarship. If you do not offer your salutations to God and not contemplate on Him with devotion, of what use is all your education? (Telugu poem)

                            Students!
                            First and foremost, take care of your health. Your education will prove as mere waste if you do not maintain proper health. Do not rest content with secular education. You should also acquire Educare. Education is related to gathering outside information, whereas Educare relates to inward transformation. Educare is that which makes the human values blossom from within. Whether you have acquired educare or mere education will become evident in your speech. A word of caution in this regard - you should not talk loosely. Especially when you speak to elders, you should carefully frame your sentences and speak with all humility and respect. True education is not limited to textual knowledge. You should manifest the human values of truth, righteousness, love, peace and non-violence. Truth should not be confined to mere words. It should be translated into deeds.

                            Students!
                            Having come here and acquired education of the highest standard, lead a life of virtues. Share your knowledge with others.

                            Let us all move together, let us all grow together,
                            Let us all stay united and share our knowledge,
                            Let us live together with friendship and harmony. (Telugu poem)

                            This is what you have to learn today. Always have a smiling countenance and be a good friend to others. A good friend is one who always has good thoughts, speaks good words and performs good deeds. When you lead your life in such a manner, you will be an ideal person and a source of inspiration to others.

                            Bhagawan concluded His Discourse with the bhajan, "Hari Bhajan Bina Sukha Santhi Nahin..."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Melanie i think you have it right in your first post.
                              1) you go you commit perjury. its been a mystery what goes in a second interview in this board and forever you go.
                              2) they only thing you can tell them if you go is that your husband has filed for divorce and refiled I-751. YOur husband also has the option of postponing the interview for a later date. say when the divorce is final. give them a good reason something like work or something (of course that depends when he filed for divorce.
                              3) taking you to the interview now can be good and can be harmful to him at the same time.
                              one attorney told me to just take the attorney and we would work it out. it would be at the discrection of the immigration officer if there would be an appeal or not.
                              -its limbo mambo situation!

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