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FUNNY STUFF THREAD..........

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  • FUNNY STUFF THREAD..........

    A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .



    Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00


    When
    The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President..


    The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.


    The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

    Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
    Washington, DC., and those a..holes deducted $95.00 in taxes

  • #2
    THIS IS TRULY HEART WARMING




    A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

    Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,

    "Did you see me rob this bank?"

    The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

    The robber then shot him, killing him instantly. He then
    turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

    "Did you see me rob this bank?"

    The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

    Comment


    • #3
      Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
      "HILLBILLIES."

      You< /B> must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

      And furthermore ....

      HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

      1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
      "BREASTED AMERICAN."

      2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
      3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

      4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

      5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

      6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

      7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
      8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
      9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

      10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

      11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE *******" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

      12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." Love this one...

      HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

      1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

      2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

      3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

      4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

      5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
      6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

      7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of "******-CRANIAL INVERSION."
      8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

      9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

      10. He is not "*****" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

      11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"


      Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

      Comment


      • #4
        If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

        If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and S******.

        EATING OUT:

        When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

        MONEY:

        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

        BATHROOMS:

        A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

        ARGUMENTS:

        A woman has the last word in any argument.

        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

        CATS:

        Women love cats.

        Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

        FUTURE:

        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

        SUCCESS:

        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

        MARRIAGE:

        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

        DRESSING UP:

        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

        NATURAL:

        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

        OFFSPRING:

        Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

        THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

        Any married man should forget his mistakes.

        There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

        Comment


        • #5
          Idiot #1

          I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
          at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

          I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
          would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

          I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

          Idiot #2

          Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
          decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

          Idiot #3

          A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
          downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller
          window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

          She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
          wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

          Idiot #4

          A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

          Idiot #5

          A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
          demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

          At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

          Idiot #6

          A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
          waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

          Idiot #7

          Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
          decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

          The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

          Comment


          • #6
            Making a baby. This is hilarious!
            There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


            The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

            Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

            "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

            "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

            "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

            After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

            "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

            "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

            "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

            "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

            "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

            "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
            The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

            "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

            "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

            "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
            "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

            "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

            "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

            Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

            "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

            "Tripod?"
            "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

            Comment


            • #7
              SAD NEWS


              Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
              community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
              and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

              Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of
              celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth,
              Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess *****ies,
              and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

              Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
              as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
              quickly in show business; but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
              not considered a very smart cookie; wasting much of his dough on half-baked
              schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man
              and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

              Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
              Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
              The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

              If this made you smile for even a brief second; please rise to the occasion and take time to pass
              it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

              Comment


              • #8
                QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME

                Can you cry under water?

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                How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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                Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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                Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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                Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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                What disease did cured ham actually have?


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                How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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                Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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                If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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                Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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                Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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                Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


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                Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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                Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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                If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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                Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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                If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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                Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


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                If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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                If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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                If apple trees produce apples, pear trees pears, pecan trees pecans, blueberry bushes blue berries, how come an oak tree has acorns?


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                If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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                Do the Alphabet song and *****le, *****le Little Star have the same tune?


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                Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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                Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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                Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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                Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Subject: Choosing A Profession



                  Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
                  He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

                  a Bible,
                  a silver dollar,
                  a bottle of whisky
                  and a ******* magazine

                  'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
                  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' ***.'
                  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and he aded for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
                  spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
                  Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
                  'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a politician!'

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    LETTER FROM A FARM KID,

                    Dear Ma and Pa,
                    I am well. Hope you are.

                    Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.Practically nothing.Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.
                    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

                    Your loving daughter,
                    Carol

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      'The Obedient Wife'



                      There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.



                      Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'



                      And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.



                      Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,



                      'Wait just a moment!'

                      She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,



                      'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'



                      The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'



                      You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

                      'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Will I Live to See 80?

                        I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
                        He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
                        ''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
                        I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
                        Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
                        'No, I don't,' I said.
                        He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of ***?'
                        "No,' I said.
                        He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh...?"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

                          I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare. I am an American.

                          I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
                          I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

                          I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
                          I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
                          I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

                          I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
                          My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
                          I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
                          I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
                          I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country! This is AMERICA.

                          If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
                          I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
                          I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them..
                          I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
                          And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... And I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.
                          I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
                          I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause.
                          I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
                          I believe "illegal" is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
                          I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!
                          If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

                          If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
                          We want our country back!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            FINALLY, ERROR MESSAGES THAT I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND

                            Old Harold



                            I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

                            He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that In case I need to fix it again?'

                            Harold grinned.. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

                            'No,' I replied.

                            'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

                            So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

                            I used to like Harold.............

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

                              The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

                              Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

                              The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

                              The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

                              Comment



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