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  • alien husband says "I've done nothing 4 him"

    A friend call me and says....my husband (alien)
    says I have done nothing for him...as a US citizen....
    I told her....I think you're doing one hell of
    alot....everything that "he is doing" work permit, green card, you name it is "all marriage based"...if it were for you (meaning her) he would have been deported......now he
    has bank accounts, property, ...all the papers
    that INS requires of a marriage couple......
    so I told her, I think he is very definitely
    wrong.....I told her she needs to set him straight on all that she is doing.......she also said, all he wants to do is argue....I told her she needed to talk with him..and come up with a workable plan....or she could withdraw the affidavit of support....and all paper work...and report to INS and he would be
    deported.....it seems, he wants it all for him...and nothing for her... I don't think this
    is right....we are in this discussion....and just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this?

  • #2
    A friend call me and says....my husband (alien)
    says I have done nothing for him...as a US citizen....
    I told her....I think you're doing one hell of
    alot....everything that "he is doing" work permit, green card, you name it is "all marriage based"...if it were for you (meaning her) he would have been deported......now he
    has bank accounts, property, ...all the papers
    that INS requires of a marriage couple......
    so I told her, I think he is very definitely
    wrong.....I told her she needs to set him straight on all that she is doing.......she also said, all he wants to do is argue....I told her she needed to talk with him..and come up with a workable plan....or she could withdraw the affidavit of support....and all paper work...and report to INS and he would be
    deported.....it seems, he wants it all for him...and nothing for her... I don't think this
    is right....we are in this discussion....and just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this?

    Comment


    • #3
      Your friend needs to think long and hard about what "she" is getting from the relationship. It sounds as if he it only it for himself - the writing is on the wall unless he can explain exactly what he means by that comment. There may be something specifically he feels he's missing in the relationship but I would be extremely cautious and open her eyes very wide. Good luck.

      Comment


      • #4
        Nireemdhi

        So sorry,.. your friend cannot withdraw the sponshership/petitions because they were already approved by USCIS. Therefore she cannot hold this over his head. and very well she should not be trying to "blackmail" him like this anyway. Suggest marriage counseling to them so that her alien spouse and she can appreciate what marriage and gratefulness to one another can be.

        Comment


        • #5
          Freebird!!!!

          -= nav =-

          Comment


          • #6
            mARRIAGE COUNSELING IS A GOOD IDEA....BUT
            i THINK HE IS WRONG IN STATEMENT...SHE HAS
            DONE OR IS DOING NOTHING...i THINK AND SO DOES
            SHE THAT SHE HAS AND IS DOING ALOT.....IT IS
            THRU HIS MARRIAGE BASED ...THAT EVERYTHING IS
            COMING TO HIM....THAT'S ALOT....MAYBE i'M WRONG...BUT i'M NOT SURE.

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi nireehamdi,

              From your post it looks like a case of personal issue and usual fight between husband and wife....just based upon facts given by you its very hard to find out, who is at fault without knowing whole matter... we can just guess here....your friend might have tried to realize him or tell that she did a lot for him and in reply to that he might have said that...but this is just a guess...one thing for sure...without argument or fight no one would tell that...if you think logically ... would you tell the same thing to your husband without any base? No of course...neither would do I if there is no reason to do so... some arguments are there between them. That I can tell you 100 %. They can take following actions...

              1. Tell your friend to talk to him openly and express how she feels about it in friendly manner. Lot of times there are small issues and misunderstanding that can be resolved by a simple friendly open talk.
              2. if they both have common friend...he/she might help them make this conversation.
              3. don't do anything that irritate or cause arguments. And slowly they will get used to each others.
              4. marriage counseling

              people have worst scenario than this one...I m sure they will get over it. Good luck to ur friend. Pasha

              Comment


              • #8
                This is typical grint talk. Grints think 1. all Americans are rich, 2. that we owe them something, 3. Nothing we do is good enough;

                In addition to the gren card, I gave my ex grint a college education, free support for two years, braces, supposedly saved her mothers life with a $3000 operation, clothes, a job, a drivers license, etc... and immediately after getting her green card she left, accused me of abuse and tried to have me arrested when I called her to ask what happened. Tell your friend to get divorced immediately. I am one of the luckier people in my situation believe you me.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I love american spouses. They complain when the INS grills them during the interview, to find out if it's legit or not.

                  Then they complain when their spouse leaves them right after the GC.

                  Perhaps if they "grilled" their spouse like that before they got married, instead of being swept up in "love" -- they could've avoided all that. hehe.

                  -= nav =-

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I agree with Pasha. Sometimes when we get angry, we think irrationally and say things that we don't mean. I can see where a US citizen spouse who suddenly finds him/herself feeling a bit insecure in his/her marriage might begin to nurse doubts about the alien spouse's motives. I can also see how a frustrated alien might feel that s/he is at a disadvantage in the marriage because of his/her lack of citizenship. Either way, it is important to talk about these doubts as openly as possible before they fester into more serious problems. The process of immigration can be long and tedious, and it is bound to put stress on even the strongest marriages. Sometimes when we are stressed, we begin to blow things out of proportion. I am married to an (illegal) alien and am in the early stages of the process. It helps when my husband and I discuss our feelings and talk about how we think we would feel for each of our possible outcomes. We are emotionally preparing ourselves for a lot of different possibilities.
                    Have a nice day

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Pasha, Gluhbirne, 4now...all had good advice. I would think there's more to it than just him saying "you've done nothing for me". In other words, we don't know the whole story and don't need to. It sounds to me like there's some anger there and it needs to be discussed. Using the "I'm giving you a green card" and "you should be grateful to me" thing doesn't sound healthy to me and I think it will bring on a world of troubles in the near and distant future. Talking about what their issues are, airing out their feelings, coming up with ideas to compromise and improve on their relationship, those are the things that work and lay the groundwork for a happy future together. Marriage counseling is usually a good safe place to air out problems.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Gluhbirne is right. If you ask me how do we fight...that's disaster...I try to be more mature and ignore matters and explain it in a decent neutral way so she doesn't feel offended and realizes her mistakes... and most of the time she gets my point...but if this wasn't me than there would be a problem for sure...with all this patience sometimes (rarely of course) I also yell at her like anything when it gets over my limit...I don't mean anything bad and then apologize too...but when you are angry you tell lot of things that you really don't mean...and that's ok coz we are human...

                        Now just thinking about GC privileges if USC tries to put spouse down all the time then marriage will not work out....with that kind of thinking in fact they only prove that GC is the only important thing in marriage and everything is based upon it. In that case even if alien doesn't have any bad plans or no fraud at all...he will go in that direction...coz always remember in any culture self-respect is a big deal... and here when there is financial independence this becomes even more problematic than ever...

                        Now nireehamdi... you wrote "i THINK AND SO DOES
                        SHE THAT SHE HAS AND IS DOING ALOT.....IT IS
                        THRU HIS MARRIAGE BASED ...THAT EVERYTHING IS
                        COMING TO HIM....THAT'S ALOT....MAYBE i'M WRONG...BUT i'M NOT SURE."

                        This is wrong. Marriage is lot more than just obligation. No one should ever make other person realize that he/she has done a lot...coz marriage is based on mutual understanding and respect. Just because one party earns more ...he/she shouldn't feel superior or put other down that you don't bring as much money as I do to household...if it's a case then there will never be a happy marriage.... I guess you can do good job of counseling for ur friend on ur part....and rest depends on them...Good luck...Pasha

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I generally agree with all replies on this thread, that we cannot speculate as to the reasons why such a conversation ensued in this relationship between a USC and alien spouse...but one thing I can say is that in concept the poster Nireehmdi is correct.

                          In a marriage both parties have an equal responsbility to build, and develop the bond and to maintain harmony. In fact, in marraige both parties, no matter what their background and financial position share equally in that goal.
                          However, one point that must be made clear in this case, is that instead of the USC stating that the alien has acquired many opportunities based solely upon the USC's sponsorship and marriage to him, it would be more appropriate to state that "given that both the USC and the Alien share an equal responsbility in building the relationship and that within the marriage they are both on a "level-playing field", so to speak, the USC has indeed through making the marriage possible here in America, offered to the alien the possibility of such a level playing field and in such has brought to the relationship more than the alien has.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Swissnut

                            In concept and books everything is correct but in practical life it doesn't work to build happy marriage...

                            "the USC has indeed through making the marriage possible here in America, offered to the alien the possibility of such a level playing field and in such has brought to the relationship more than the alien has."

                            Not everyone is successful in this country....just because you are in USA doesn't mean you will be successful.... $$$ don't grove on trees here....most of population is below poverty line or average.... One has to be smart and capable to use those opportunities....just being USC by birth or come to this country never makes anyone successful...

                            So if you think just by brining somebody to this country USC has brought to the relationship more than the alien has ...then that's wrong and cheap....That is pure discremination. With that kind of thinking there will never be a happy successful marriage...In marriage everything should be two-way and equal....

                            Personally I think marriage can not be successful if both parties ....

                            One tells I have done a lot for you...

                            Other tells you did nothing for me...

                            There must be mutual understanding and respect.... Pasha

                            [This message was edited by Pasha Patel on December 21, 2003 at 02:33 PM.]

                            [This message was edited by Pasha Patel on December 21, 2003 at 02:45 PM.]

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Excellent advice Pasha!

                              Marriage is about that mutual respect/understanding. It is a condescending attitude if USC feels that they have more to bring to a marriage than alien or just b/c of papers. If an educated USC goes to another country and marries.. they will not feel that their mate has done "oh so much for them" just b/c legal paperwork has been put in place to be able to work legally. If you are committed to a marriage the sucess of your lives and work will be based on a mutual effort. Generally language and customs are only a temporary barrier.

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