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To JSalas: Thank you! Life/Karma may not let her "get what she deserves when I'd like it too," but I do believe she'll get her turn...someday.
To OldE - I needed that laugh!!!!
To Aroha - I believed in marriage as well. Thus the many attempts of marriage counceling, speaking to my pastor, and just trying to get her to talk. Her "plan" only came to light as soon as she got her Green Card - all along, as I've learned, her first ex-husband has always been in the background, awaiting his time. It was NEVER going to work out, no matter what I did...
It's funny(odd): I honestly got incredibly lucky/blessed. For many other men (and women) out there that fall victim to this or a similar situation they're not so lucky, nor do they walk away with everything still intact - except for their hearts and souls. I pray for those people, truely. I feel like I have to do something...
I must finish my business' website before I venture off onto other projects, but I was considering trying to "do something" (perhaps a website) that could point out the falacies I learned over the past six years (four years of marriage, two years prior of learning of my now ex-wife) and what all transpired with her, the INS, including situations I've learned of friends of hers (being here illegally and no one has done a darn thing about it.)
Question: Is it worth it? I feel like all that I've learned will be for nothing unless I can somehow pass it along and perhaps save one person out there from making the mistakes I did. Any suggestions???
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Power Member
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Mike, I didn't mean to imply anything with what I said. I've been in relationships before that were completely pointless, and you're right, in those relationships, there was not a single thing I could've done to change the outcome. I consider myself lucky, not in the respect that my husband is a USC and I'm not, because that's irrelevant to me. I happen to love my home country and I'm proud to be a New Zealander. But, I'm lucky that a quirk of fate led him to my man, and I'm even luckier that he fell in love with me and we have had (so far!) ten years together. As far as your next questions go ... I'm a firm believer in life experience - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that crud. You may not make a difference on the world stage, but you've become stronger in yourself and it's made you a better human being. Just don't let your bitterness destroy you, or your reservations blind you to the one that really is right for you. You'll only be cheating yourself.
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The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it - Plutarch
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| Posts: 1210 | Location: Las Vegas | Registered: 07-29-2007 | |
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quote: Question: Is it worth it? I feel like all that I've learned will be for nothing unless I can somehow pass it along and perhaps save one person out there from making the mistakes I did. Any suggestions???
it will depend on whether you will repeat the same mistakes you have learned or learned from those mistakes. Best thing is to take it easy for a while. No serious relationships for some time. Don't even look for a wife or girlfriend. When you go out, go in a group. Taht way no pressure to impress someone or anyone.
"Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence." John Adams on Defense of the boston Massacre
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quote: Question: Is it worth it? I feel like all that I've learned will be for nothing unless I can somehow pass it along and perhaps save one person out there from making the mistakes I did. Any suggestions???
Mike it's worth it!! one day you'll find the right one. Just make sure you set yourself free with this nightmare and one day you'll be happy. goodluck! |
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quote: Originally posted by mikewh328:
To Hudson: yes, all my e-mails and chat sessions that i have printed out are all recent - as of 8-18-07. I have to believe you about the "fall back" theory. I think you're right. Perhaps this whole intimacy thing with his mother was a lie...but here's the funny thing: She, her mother AND her father had told me, after I had learned about this alleged intimate thing, that I was not to talk or ask about him ever again under their roof in Ukraine. "Asked, answered, spoken..and dropped" was the case. Now, these e-mails and chat sessions after four years??? Odd, isn't it?
She told me she "***ped into him" this past early August while visiting her family in Ukraine and it was just a "Hi...hello...how are you....good....nice to see you...bye" thing. He actually initiated the actual physical evidence (my e-mail printouts.) I've got his e-mails, her e-mails, my e-mail to him asking him why is he writing to my wife, his response of "oh, I don't want to cause any problems, just wanted to say hello again", his next e-mail to her saying, "i will take you back", and so on.
We BOTH attended the marriage counceling. I initiated it because after one year of marriage, our communications were non-existant, and I told her, "we need to either speak to someone neutral that can help us, or we need to get divorced because I can't live my life in silence in my own home." She agreed and went too. The church discussions were also initiated by me. Both the marriage councelor and pastor had said to me, "I don't know what to tell you other than this is NOT a healthy marriage." This was three years ago and two years ago... Presently, I've asked the councelor to give me a list of dates and who was present.
Here's my next item for you and anyone else to help me with:
August of last year was when my wife got her own computer, a laptop. Up until that time, she used my computer for her e-mails which was fine...I could see and enjoy communications between her family and her friends as she would allow me to see. As soon as she got her own computer - the e-mails stopped abruptly. I thought that was odd. One night, I got tired of asking her if she's heard anything from "our family" in Ukraine and her always telling me no, when I knew that was not the case. How did it go from many e-mails a week to nothing? Not right. So when she had gone out with some girlfriends, I logged onto her computer to find that she's been on quite a few governmental websites, especially the USCIS website. Somehow she clicked her way into a governmental website to file "green card lottery petitions" for HER ENTIRE FAMILY. This would include: her Mother, her Father, her younger sister, her older sister, her brother.......HER BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND, and HER BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND'S mother! She did all this without ever talking to me about it, first of all. Second of all, she did this secretly. I say secretly because I learned that she set up a private e-mail account on a Russian website (like our Yahoo or Gmail), and put the account in her maiden name instead of her married name. From this private e-mail account, she received all names, addresses, birth dates, AND VISA PHOTOS from everyone I mentioned above. When I discovered all this, I confronted her about it (calmly). She proceeded to lie to me, "I'm not doing anything. No, I didn't do that. I don't know what you're talking about." I finally turned on her computer myself and showed her what I already know. She then said, "I was just trying to see if I can help them come here." I asked her, "why didn't you talk to me about this?" She said, "because I wanted to do something on my own." Nice, right? Well, her next e-mail from that private e-mail account was something like, "I don't know how Michael found out about this e-mail address...maybe I'll just open up another one somewhere else!" and she then put, "LOL!" Later on, I asked her, "what if they won green cards...where were they going to stay if they came here!?" She never answered me.
I have ALL e-mails concerning THIS manner all printed out (hidden at my mom's house) as well. Can this situation be brought to light, along with the whole ex-husband thing?
You see now why I feel like I've been completely used. And it's not an every day thing. Some days may be nice, until I feel she's up to something. I try to brush it off as, "she's just in one of her moods." When I look into what she's up too (which IS TOTALLY FREAKIN' NUTS! Why should I have to look into what my own wife is up too) it always winds up being something major. With this "green card lottery" thing...is this something major??? Final point: apparently no one won a green card since no one has shown up on my front doorstep saying, "hey, guess what - I'm here!"
that is such a strange story... do you read fluent Ukrainian, then, to understand their messages and chat? Or do you claim that they communicate in English? I see nothing wrong about participating in a visa lottery. It is a perfectly legitimate process, anyone can apply, and if they win - ever - the government gives them some funds to settle, I believe. Seeing your STRANGE reaction, it's no wonder that she didn't want to tell you. And I am still perplexed: how did you READ AND UNDERSTOOD their e-mails? |
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quote: Perhaps she was thinking of him.
Hudson, how's this for something to think about: now I'm wondering - every time I "slept" with my wife (which stopped over 1 1/2 years ago) was she thinking about me or him??? She stopped "enjoying" that time together about 2 years ago, if you understand me. I thought I was doing something wrong. Please believe me, I have tried everything.
she goes without *** for TWO years rather than to be with you? You must be REALLY bad, man, learn a thing or two. No wonder she is looking for a man, be it even a hateful EX. |
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quote: Originally posted by mikewh328: You two are the greatest!  Both highly intelligent, thoughtful, and quite precise with your thoughts... You nailed the proving thing right on the head. I didn't stop just because she came into this country, or got "big headed" like "hey look at me! I'm the big-shot American! And now you're on MY turf!" I did everythinng possible to be certain that I never belittled her....when she wanted to 'redo' the house, I took her where ever she wanted to look at things, we picked out things according to her taste and the price tag (she actually watched the prices of things.) I went out of my way to prove I loved her, because I loved her. ...
you allowed HER to redecorate YOUR house, and it PROVED YOUR LOVE? It proved that you were smart enough to get a FREE INTERIOR DECORATOR who increased the value of your dwelling, and made of on a budget, and without any fee. Where is that LOVE? quote:
My mother's best friend, whom she also works with, said to her recently, "it's amazing that she can be treating him this way when she walked into this country, into this marriage with nothing."
golddigger, times of dowries are long past! And it's not as if you are some royalty or rich people either. quote: You're right in saying I don't make much money.
and she, of course, good looking and so on. Old story... quote: Hooray for moms?
how old are you, you said? quote: I'd get a second job if I had too, just to be happy and have the honor of being with a woman that said she loved me and was happy. I almost DID take a second job, actually! 
what a heroic act! sorry, ALMOST heroic... quote: Perhaps I gave her too much?
allowed her to decorate MY HOUSE... quote:
I personally live in South Jersey. Wouldn't you know that Max made his new home in Central Jersey, along with his wife, daughter, grandkids, and son-in-law??? I thought it was really cool at first, that my wife had someone here in the states that we could go too and she could see on a regular basis, just as she did in Ukraine. As you said about questioning everything: I'm wondering about the odds of this being just a coincidence. If I may add here, this is why I got "my feathers up really badly" when I learned that she was all over government websites trying to learn about and file for the green card lottery for her family and all.
BAD WOMAN, how dared she to visit government web sites! Who paid for the laptop, by the way? quote:
I honestly don't remember when I first started to doubt my wife's honesty, but it was a long while ago...OH WAIT - now I remember, it was three months after we got married! She asked me one night in our kitchen, "when are we going to start having children?" My jaw dropped through the kitchen floor. When it returned to it's normal position, I asked her, "we just got married...you don't want to travel around and see the states?" She then said, "what for!?" Okay. Well, I have no health insurance! So thus began a mass-information search on health insurance plans. To make a long story short, I couldn't afford what was needed, so I said, "can we wait another year until we're in a better position to get good coverage?" Her next words were, "if we weren't going to have children right away, why didn't you tell me this in Ukraine????" I was BLOWN away... That was when I started to wonder...
doubted HONESTY because she wanted her own children? Yes, indeed, that is a proof of a fradulent marriage! She wanted CHILDREN! Scammer! Deport her! All scammers want children, you know. It's the first proof of a fradulent marriage. |
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quote: Originally posted by mikewh328:
My God, I couldn't even fathom the thought of my own child being possibly way over there, with HIM and her, and I'd have to apply for a regular Visa just to see my own kid!?
good planning... send that possible child way over there, so as not to pay CHILD SUPPORT. And you do not need a visa to go to Ukraine. quote: I know I wouldn't have to apply for a Visa, but having to travel just to see my own child???
Keep it with you, and set a college fund for it - no need to travel... quote:
My Mom had said she had heard of women entraping their husbands with children for support. You can't say THAT doesn't happen - I've seen it myself: children being used as bargaining chips when a marriage goes bad.
why did you ever MARRY, dude? You should have lived quietly with your mamma, grown your plans, pick up easy girls in the bars and be happy. quote:
Update: last night, she asked me to help her copy a CD on her computer (a nice chance to "play" with her ICQ.) When she wasn't looking, I clicked on it and a little window popped open from "him." I said, "oh look...the ex is saying, 'hi my darling, how are you today!'
what language did he use? quote:
I said (AT LONG LAST), " you know - I can't live like this with you anymore. I'm so sorry that I've seen this going on and I've seen and watched you literally DESTROY me to your family and your friends while playing the good little girl around me.
eavesdroppers hear no good about themselves, so why are you surprised? Didn't mamma tell you NOT to eavesdrop ever? quote:
I've seen you tell horrible lies about me, and when I've asked you questions you'd tell me only what you wanted me to know and nothing else." She said, "so what." I said, "So what!?! Interesting....well how's this for 'so what'...this is over with. I don't care anymore. I don't care what you do or say anymore, and I don't believe anything you say anymore either. You're family has long abandoned me - they all have "blocks" on my e-mail address (I tried to send over jokes and funny photos and they've been coming back as undelieverable - I've seen her able to send and receive stuff...that's how I know this)
I do not like spammers myself. quote:
and they don't want anything to do with me - and this is LONG before your ex ever came into the picture. You want to screw around with him? Please, be my guest....but do it someplace else...cause this marriage is definitely over with."
She said, "fine I'll move out Sunday." I said, "oh yeah? where!?! with what money!?! with who???" She said, "why do you care!?" I said, "actually I don't - I'm more curious as to how all of a sudden you can afford to live on your own..." She said, "I'll figure it out." I then said, " while you're figuring it out, decide what you want to do - you can move out, we can stay married on paper for the next nine months until it's time to file for citizenship. You will have to continue to use this address for your mail, driver's license, applications, etc. When stuff comes, I can call you and you can stop over and pick up your stuff.
it's a set up, girl, do not trust him no his mamma. They are trying to make you do something illegal, and then to prove that the marriage was fake. quote:
(My mom has her mail coming here too....it's not a big deal) When the time comes, we'll get together and go file - I have no idea how long it takes after that, but at least it wouldn't be another five years until you could file if you are on your own.... OR, you can move out, we go to a lawyer, file for divorce with irreconcible differences, you go your way and I go mine and that's that." She surprised the **** out of me by saying, "it'll take another year after filing...I've already asked." Here I am on here with you all trying to learn about this stuff, and she's already got answers! Hmmm...
sure, one MUST know everything about one's legal standing. If you do not find out - who else will? quote:
Perhaps it is another year, perhaps not. She came here on different circumstances then the persons she was asking this too...and oddly enough, she asked one who's actually here illegally. I said, "if you want, I'll try to find out what's the time between filing and actually getting the interview - you came here on a Fiancee Visa...your time frames are quite different than someone who came on a student visa and just decided to hide after her visa was up." She said nothing. I continued by saying, " you decide what will be good for you - I know what's good for me and that's having you out of here. I can't take the lies, the spying,
good idea... stop poking your nose into other people's E-MAIL! It's even illegal! quote:
the deceit, the betrayals anymore... I want my F'n life back in order, I want to stop smoking, I want my health back, I want MY SANITY back!" She just looked at me and said, "you know, I never married you to use you..." I just stood there. She then said, "I DID love you." I said, "you denied me your family...you denied me your friends...you denied me you....I DID love you too, but all the denial has killed me. Now, you don't trust me, and I don't trust you. It's all done with. I'm sorry to have to be the first to break all this out, but I can't live like this anymore. You need to make some decisions, tell me what you decide, and let's get this thing over with." There was no response. I think, I only think, that she didn't know I could have the '*****' to confront her, apologize for watching what she's been up too, and tell her basically to make a decision as to how to divorce and get the F out. I told her when I saw that first message I wanted to throw her out then and there. The anger in me was just far too great to think clearly so I didn't do anything but smoke heavily and think myself to calmness. I think what went down last night was far better than throwing her computer AND her out the window.
She knows I had a monitoring program on her computer. My mother asked me this evening if I said exactly what I had on there. I told her no, and she said that was good because if it comes around to an all out battle, I can just say I was watching what she did but I never said "how" I did it, nor did I say the name of the program.
good old mamma! Does she know that it's illegal to install a keaylogger on anyone else's computer but your own? quote:
I slept like a baby last night, and today I felt so tired all day long I fell asleep accidentally for four hours! It must have been more stress on me than I had thought.
I'm not going to try and watch any more e-mails. I'm not going to try and watch anything anymore - in fact, I'm quite happy her spysweeper erradicated the program.
no evidence of a criminal offence, my keylogger is gone, try to prove that I installed it! I don't want to know anything else anymore. I just want to have some normalacy back in my life, even if that means I never marry again. I don't know who's responsible for this website, but it's been a very big help for me. I think I got some strengths from here that I could have never developed on my own. It's not like I have a father around to speak too, so I tend to unintentionally rely on others that are unbiased and can give me some sound advice, even if it's what I don't want to hear. I know it's all a part of growing up. ****, you can be 65 and still have a lot to learn! I'm 36 [/QUOTE] high time to dump mamma and get a life of your own. quote:
and I've felt like I was being punished from her for reasons I could never understand. You know, all I wanted was to be happy. I wanted the chance of being a part of a new family - her family is huge, and it was happily overwhelming when I first met them all. I thought, "wow, they're all HER family and maybe they can be mine too!!!" I have no father around, no brothers, no sisters. To be a part of such a large group was so amazing to me, I didn't care where they were all from. Here was a wonderful chance to be a part of her life and her family! Then her friends...she had so many of them! I thought again about how they would all be OUR friends. [QUOTE]
what, she fawned and toadied on you, and licked your ***, and it was not enough - the friends and the family had to do the same? Did they marry you, too? Did you support them financially? No? So why the **** must they **** up on you, study your language to amuse you and so on?
[QUOTE]
I thought how wonderful it would have been to have a child or two,
did you think about WHO would feed that child or two? or was it too wordly a thought? quote:
how they would have such a wonderful opportunity to know they have family here and way over there. It was nicely overwhelming! I worked so hard at the beginning of this marriage to make her happy. As I had said before, I made sure I didn't do anything to make her feel unworthy, I was sure of it. For the life of me I could NEVER figure out why she was telling people that I was not treating her right, I was not doing anything for her, I was not "buying her things", and so on. It got worse from there and I just couldn't figure out why.
well, when you treated her as if she contantly OWED you, and took everything for granted, that is when you treated her badly. quote:
She wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't tell our councelor what was really going on in her head, she just kept whittling away at me. The lack of conversation, no matter how many times I attempted it from many different angles, I just couldn't get her to open up. I have to think now it's got to be because of this 'ex' thing. She even said that her parents know "he's around." That's funny - only four years ago, I was being told I was never to ask about him or saying anything under their roof... Now, it's all okay even after what I was told what he originally did, and he's been apparently in the picture far longer than I knew.
So to correct my original thread here, I have to say I wasn't shammed...I was betrayed. Would that be a better word to use???
the better word - I am an inmature financially unstable man who can't afford to have a family, but who married nevertheless, bad in bed, controlled by my mother, and who thought that if he got hismelf a foreigner, he would succeed as a head of the family against all odds. |
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by davdah:
A women who used him to support her all QUOTE]
used him to wash his clothes, cook, redecorate his own house on a budget, used him to work and pay the bills...
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Taking it out of context. That post was in reference to the idea that he was doing the things a married couple does. She on the other hand was building a relationship with someone else. You don't think that was ok, do you? It wasn't his house either. They were both living in it, for free.
You voted democrat. This country is not worth sneaking into any more.
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| Posts: 5757 | Location: San Antonio TX | Registered: 06-08-2007 | |
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quote: Originally posted by max-one:
Mike, what you went through happened to me as well. Mine was also Russian.
his was Ukrainian... quote: I married her in Russia. I tried to show her I would be the best husband and did everything she asked including adjustment of status three weeks after she arrived.
what adjustment? if you married her in Russia they just send a card by mail to the address you give, there is no adjustments, she comes on a spouse visa. Someone is telling us stories... quote:
To have such hope and then find out that one has been deceived not just once by his wife but a second time by his government (USCIS, VAWA staff at VSC, the courts) is more than most people can take.
Hang in there as the above people are saying. Keep in mind that we just made a bad choice in wives. Not all women are like this. I have found a number of women American or foreign who are very supportive and kind to men like us. They know how some of their "sisters" are and despise them for what they do. Good luck!
serves you RIGHT for seeking submissive, sychonatic slaves abroad... Other women **** up to you more? These are those who are waiting for their turn to come there and DUMP you. It will keep happening to you again and again until you stop asking for 24/7 slave-like adoration and will go for REAL thing. |
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quote: Originally posted by davdah:
Taking it out of context. That post was in reference to the idea that he was doing the things a married couple does.
She on the other hand was building a relationship with someone else. You don't think that was ok, do you? It wasn't his house either. They were both living in it, for free.
she was doing them too... and I am so NOT BUYING this story... She chatted with her UKRAINIAN EX AND HER MOTHER AND FAMILY IN ENGLISH? And he just SAW it and read it? aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. |
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He never said he didn't understand the language. Or for that matter he could have used a translator. Although not perfect it would be good enough to get a basic idea of the conversations. Or maybe he had someone who knows the language translate it for him. Any number of possibilities. It doesn't take much to set the chat program to record the entire sessions. Easy to do. Her building a relationship with this guy doesn't include her keeping communication with the X. There was no need for that.
You voted democrat. This country is not worth sneaking into any more.
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| Posts: 5757 | Location: San Antonio TX | Registered: 06-08-2007 | |
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To Apply: I'm guessing you're from Ukraine or Russia by all your lame outlooks. You seriously sound like your Russian from all your feeble attempts to totally twist all my words around....just like my ex used to do. How ironic!  For your information, her ex and she used English many times for their chats and also Russian words using English letters. She thought she was deleting all chat sessions with him when he and she logged off. Not before they were saved and printed. I even had a non-mutual friend help me with translating (a Russian) and even he was surprised about what he was reading. His commment, "I can't believe she's doing this - dark woman!" "I see nothing wrong about participating in a visa lottery. It is a perfectly legitimate process, anyone can apply, and if they win - ever - the government gives them some funds to settle, I believe." Well this really shows how much you know, genius.  The government GIVES THEM FUNDS? Think again little man... I wouldn't have had a problem with the Visa lottery - had she considered talking to me about it and perhaps including me too, since she liked doing things "together." How weird it was that she did all her activities using a Russian Web Server and an e-mail address in her maiden name. Also, considering the fact that her family was quite vocal about their disgust of America and the fact that THEY NEVER WANTED TO COME HERE. Then, a few years later, she's on the lottery website filing for her entire family, her brother's girlfriend, AND her brother's girlfriend's mother????????? When I asked her about the visa lottery and what was up with it all, she acted like nothing was going on and she wasn't doing "anything" of the nature. "...what a heroic act! sorry, ALMOST heroic..." Excuse me for saying, but you are a complete smack! It's a shame you hide behind a computer. |
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