I think the best joke in here so far is the one posted by "auf.wiedersehen"!

...Although now that I browse back carefully I see "Another"'s and "Herald"'s jokes are just as funny...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?? You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

So, PublicAffair, the client appeared to be smarter than the m o t h e r f u c k i n g attorney, huh?!

â–º "It is the business of a lawyer to question everything, produce
nothing, and bill by the hour."
Thomas Jefferson, 1807.
________________________________


As to all this, "Lawyers are liars.":

Untrue. Lawyers are not trained to lie. They are trained to twist the truth. There is a huge difference. You can be caught in a lie. When you twist the truth, you cannot be caught; it's just a matter of interpretation. A friend who teaches tax law gives the same introductory speech at the beginning of every semester. He asks, "are there any accountants in the class?" Two or three hands go up. He says to them, "You're going to have trouble in this class. To you, numbers describe the truth. In tax law, there is no one truth. You push and pull on the numbers until they say what you want them to say."

If you can make numbers say what you want, are words any problem?

The distinction is important, because we normally decide if someone is lying by looking for psychological cues: shifty eyes, covering the mouth, or dodging questions. When someone is professionally trained to twist the truth, they don't give those signs. When you speak to a lawyer, don't worry too much about lies - but always, always remember that you are in the reality distortion zone.


Lawyers are trained to think clearly.
Lawyers – in terms of coming to the right conclusion about the real world – are some of the worst thinkers on the planet Earth. Because of their tendancy to twist reality, they have a fantastic gift for sounding logical while missing the broad side of the barn. It is more accurate to say lawyers are trained to think logically within the framework of law – as chess players think within the framework of chess. (There is a very old saying, "The law sharpens a mind by narrowing it.") Would you go to a chess player for advice on your life? On business?

People often say that the main problem with lawyers is high bills. It is completely untrue. The main problem with lawyers is that most of what they do is useless, or actually harmful to their own client. U.S. President Thomas Jefferson – a lawyer himself – said in 1807 that, "It is the business of a lawyer to question everything, produce nothing, and bill by the hour." Billing, you notice, comes last. And not much has changed with lawyers.

I hire lawyers, now and then. Usually for information; rarely for advice. When I hire them to do something, I make sure it is something I want done.

A Lawyer, a doctor, and a priest gathered around the deathbed of their client/patient/parishioner. The old man said after he died he wanted them all to promise to take his money and put it in his casket so he could 'take it with him'. The man proceeded to give each trusted professional $30,000 knowing they would keep his deathbed wishes. On the date of the funeral each of the men went up to the casket and put in a envelope. Leaving the ceremony the priest broke down first, I have a confession to make since we needed a new rectory I only placed $20,000 in the casket. The doctor then admitted we needed a new Xray machine so I only put $10,000 in the casket. The lawyer said I'm shocked at both of you! I'll have you know I put my personal check in there for the full $30,000.

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.

At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"

The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.

The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"

The lawyer pulls the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Introductions

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

Why does The Bar prohibit s-e-x between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

***************************************

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

You all may hate attorneys....but when you need help getting a business deal done, or when your spouse leaves you for the pool boy next door.....who is the first one you call...I can give you a hint and it ain't Ghostbusters.

Enjoy the jokes because some of them are funny. But realize the many important contributions many lawyers make to our every day lives.

I married a lawyer, and thank god he can take a joke...

This is cool...

A couple who was about to marry died in a car accident. When they reached heaven and met St. Peter, they ask him if they could at least marry in heaven.
St Peter asked them to wait for him while he check it out. The couple waited for days, weeks and months...
While waiting they were discussing to each other.. what if they do cant handle each other.. then they will be stuck with each other forever...
Finally after 3 months ... St. Peter came back and said... Yes you can marry here.
The male asked ... "What if it doesnt work... can we file a divorce here?"
St. Peter turned red with anger and they asked him why.
And St. Peter shouted ." Do you know how long it took me to find a priest here? Can you imagine how long it might take me to find a lawyer here if there is one? "

**TAKEN FROM THE CHARLOTTE SUN-HERALD"

http://www.sun-herald.com/newsarchive2/112103/ch6.htm?date=112103&story=ch6.htm

11/21/03
Jim Gouvellis column


Lawyer jokes lead to erosion of respect


When one of our columnists made a very bad joke concerning the lawyer who was shot by a disgruntled client the lawyers hit their typewriters and sent letters to the editor quicker than you could say "billable hour."

And they had a point.

The joke was about a real lawyer who was almost shot because the obviously troubled man did not like something he had done in a court case.

We've all heard the jokes.

What's the difference between a snake smushed in the middle of the road and a lawyer in the middle of road?

The snake has skid marks in front of it.

Sounds funny when you and your buddies are sitting in a bar. But, is it really funny?

It depends.

After listening to the response from our area's legal community, folks like Cort Frohlich, Darol Carr and Jess Hevia, I formed a new opinion about lawyer jokes in general.

My lawyer friends, almost unanimously, said the same thing. "It's one thing to make jokes in a bar, it's another thing entirely when the joke is about real people."

I used to think like that, too. Now, after thinking about it and studying the video of the deranged man shooting the lawyer from the other side of a tree, I think joking about killing people is just wrong under any circumstances.

Call it political correctness if you will, but using humor to demean a whole class of people leads to an erosion of respect for them.

Every time a lawyer tells one of those jokes they aid in that erosion.

It doesn't matter if you are telling a blonde joke, a Polish joke or a *** joke, you are sending a message that the people you are joking about people who deserve to be demeaned in some way.

Jokes lead to hate. It's as simple as that.