Kathy, I think you misunderstood Kumna entirely. His post was very wise and I don't think he wanted to offend you.
What he is saying, and I agree with it, is put up a fight.
Going back home is giving up and if you want to make something out of yourself in life, you risk it all, and never give up. When you give up, you have no chance to succeed. You do all it takes.
This is America. It's tough. International marriages are tougher than normal and have less chance of survival than between same country citizens, statistically.
Your posts are somewhat conflicting, this is why I don't think there's a real threat to your life.
You need a good friend to support you and get you through it.
My marriage has been through rough patches as well. I've gone through the silent treatments, storming out, all that but we've survived. Miraculously I should add. And after 8 years of knowing each other through and through we love each other more every day. Additionally, there is usually a crisis in marriages at the 4th year period. They say that if you get over the 4th year, you'll be fine.
On top of that, American men are a separate species of males.

I'd advise you to sit down with your man and try to talk to him w/o raising your voice/pitch and no accusations.
Give it a chance. I sense there may be a family conflict involved. Try to talk about that. And most importantly, you have to get a job and start working. You don't have a GC yet but you can already work. You are here legally and you can work after you apply for the EAD (employment authorization document) and your Social Security Card.

Best of luck.

quote:

Originally posted by Kathy1973:
Thank you.

I know my husband acts like an abuser, but to his credit I want to say: I also know he does not behave on purpose. His mom and dad always used the silent treatment before they got a divorce. Jeff does just not know any better.
But I can't live like this.

This sounds like you are making exuses for his behavior. That is dangerous and could ultimatly make you want to stay with him. I've been in a situation like this, always thought, well, if I only....., he might change. No, you got to get out of there.

If I were you, I would just leave. Go home! Is there anyone in the Netherlands (friends, family) that can help you on your feet once you get there?

bye

hello iperson:
I really did misunderstand Kumna entirely and I really don't want to give up...besides that marriage means a lot to me (I am catholic) I am also too ashamed to just "give up" without fighting, but I am falling apart slowly.

Actually I tried more as once to talk w/o raising my voice and without accusations, I evn begged my husband to pls talk to me...he just does not give me any chance. If my husband is mad at me he is stubborn and cold. He commands when "he feels like it" to talk with me no matter what I say or do.

Two weeks ago we started "marriage therapy" (after one of our usual all weekend long fights I wanted a divorce and my husband got mad and wanted us to go to therapy...) and now my husband refuses at all to talk to me, because he thinks the therapist will solve all our problems without us. That will never work!

I am taking anti-depressiva for half a year now to be able to sleep at all at night and to cope living. My brother can't understand why on earth I am still here...I am so ashamed, but I have to stop hoping for the better.

Try to stay on and fight???? This is not some kind of TV contest we are talking about.
99.99% chance the man will never change. Trying to change other people is futile effort. Every pschologist knows the fundamental pathway of adults brain remains wired the same way without a trauma to alter it.

Even if he behaves nicely for a short time, it's practically given he'll relapse right back to his old habit. You can only compromise and negotiate if there are common grounds. But the fundamental way of human behavior cannot be compromised.

Only way the OP should stay with her husband is if she decides to put up with her husband's current behavior, knowing that there will not be a miracle cure. Accept his behavior or else move on.

Hello NoHumanIsIllegal:
I will start documenting everything that is said and done that indicates abuse. Thank you very much for this tipp!!!

I have an other problem: my husband and I started remodeling his house last year at the end of September. We upraised the house value is upraised by 50 000 $. For the remodeling by making credit card debts of 10 000 $. My husband told me, in case I want to divorce him, I will be responsible for our debts too, but I would not have any share of the house value, because he bought it before we got married and in LA by law everything belongs him alone. I worked 12 hours a day for free and now I have to pay for debts? That is not fair. Can my husband do this?

I understand I could just use the credit card of the joint account and leave, but to get a divorce I would have to remain in Louisiana, right?

I can't start my life all over beeing still married to an american citizen. I need a divorce and as far as I know I would have to live at least half a year in LA to proceed the divorce. That is my problem.

I will try to contact you. Thank you very much!

quote:

Originally posted by Kathy1973:
Hello NoHumanIsIllegal:
I will start documenting everything that is said and done that indicates abuse. Thank you very much for this tipp!!!

I have an other problem: my husband and I started remodeling his house last year at the end of September. We upraised the house value is upraised by 50 000 $. For the remodeling by making credit card debts of 10 000 $. My husband told me, in case I want to divorce him, I will be responsible for our debts too, but I would not have any share of the house value, because he bought it before we got married and in LA by law everything belongs him alone. I worked 12 hours a day for free and now I have to pay for debts? That is not fair. Can my husband do this?

I understand I could just use the credit card of the joint account and leave, but to get a divorce I would have to remain in Louisiana, right?

I can't start my life all over beeing still married to an american citizen. I need a divorce and as far as I know I would have to live at least half a year in LA to proceed the divorce. That is my problem.

I will try to contact you. Thank you very much!

If the house value was raised by $50,000 by remodeling, then you deserve your share of the house by at least $25,000. There is no way the divorce court can make you responsible for the half of debt and you have no part of the house in return. By him doing so, you now have a great claim to the house. I think it is actually his mistake. Your husband's going to have a messy situation.

Make sure to keep the document for all the spending for the renovation (receipt, construction bill, credit card bill etc) and document the house valuation before and after the renovation.

YOU DESERVE NOTHING !!!! You miserable pig. You got your green card; that is worth millions of $$$; first you say you would go back home but now you are asking how to keep your green card AND scam this guy out of money. You lived there didn't you? Did you pay any rent ? !! You are a scammer and that is all. Also house prices have plummeted 20-50% in the past year so the value of the house is BELOW what it was when you moved in there no matter what work you did. Married 14 months and she wants the guys house AND a Green Card !! What a joke !

You jump to conclusions too quickly Templar. Men will never change? It looks like you are not giving a fair chance to anybody in your life.
The OP needs to put herself together and stop being the victim. She needs to disregard his behaviour and ignore it, not letting him know how much it affects her.
Some men react this way to the begging, whining and emotional tantrums.
OP, you are a grown up woman and start acting this way. First thing you do is apply for your EAD and Social Security number, if you don't have it already and find a job. You should start looking for a job already.
When you have a job, and a day filled with work, away from home, your husband will start to respect you.
Right now he sees you as a housekeeper he can push around.
The time you've known each other is not enough for you two really to get to know each other. He really doesn't know you. All he sees now is your crying and whining and he doesn't like it.
Show him your true you, show him you are a partner.
I hope you know what I am trying to say.

Stop the psycho babble and see this fraudster for what they really are. You are "buying" into her story. Read her story carefully:
1) Married 14 months !
2) Her husband collects guns and frets for her life - ooooh
3) She says she wants to leave but "can't"
4) But her focus is not protecting her life; it is on how to keep the green card and get half this guys wealth

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SonofMichael,

SON OF LOSER!! HAHAHA!!!

SON OF VILLAGE IDIOT:

GUY'S WEALTH, not GUYS WEALTH. Kindly correct and repost.

Thanks!

Dear Kathy,

This is actually happy_wifes husband. My family immigarted to the US about a 100 years ago from the Ukraine to escape the Bolsheviks. I just returned from Kyrgyzstan with my wife.We too met online so we know were you are coming from. I want to tell you one thing and listen very closley please. THIS SITUATION IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I know many men like this. He is an emotional predator. Quite frankley he is useless piece of ****. He lied to you and made you feel like he was going to take care of you and love you like his god given responisibilty is to do. And of course you trust him and depend completley on him. That is the way it is supposed to be. But this man isnt willing to love you and care for you he is just using you for his own pleasure. Im sure you are well aware of this. At any rate my advise to you is to get the hell our of there. Its not going to get any better. He just knew the right word to use on you to get you to trust him, so he could get you under him. That was his intentions from the begging. Yes join a church group call immigration lawyer. And if it really gets bad enough CALL 911. God bless you and our prayers are with you.

SonofMichael? are you sure its not SON of a B.i.t.c.h? Your are probabley just like this guy. You have nothing better to do with your life then make fun of a distressed woman? What kind of man are you anyway? get a life little man.

If "Kathy" is truly an abused wife, there are tons of resources and women's groups out there to help her. I have never said or condoned anyone being abused by anyone. However, I am very suspicious of a woman who says she is abused, yet does nothing about it. Maybe it's a lie and maybe she has no true grounds for claiming spusal abuse and maybe she is using this forum to find help in creating her fraud.

If your husband is abusing you, call and attorney, then the police.

Kathy,

Noone would understand correctly your situation unless they were or had been in your shoe.

I was in the same situation as yours, but I got out now. So, if you would like to talk, email me along with your picture at {email removed to prevent spam} PM me and I will give you my phone number and we will talk more about this.

Have a great day!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Leyna,

What?? Along with your picture?

Kathy, if you're still here, don't you dare contacting anyone asking you for your picture or any other private information.

quote:

Originally posted by iperson:
What?? Along with your picture?

Kathy, if you're still here, don't you dare contacting anyone asking you for your picture or any other private information.

Really good advice, Iperson. I can't believe the number of people here who actually post their emails and phone numbers! I guess it's innocent naivity, but this old 'dog' knows better!

quote:

Originally posted by Kathy1973:
hello iperson:
I really did misunderstand Kumna entirely and I really don't want to give up...besides that marriage means a lot to me (I am catholic) I am also too ashamed to just "give up" without fighting, but I am falling apart slowly.

Actually I tried more as once to talk w/o raising my voice and without accusations, I evn begged my husband to pls talk to me...he just does not give me any chance. If my husband is mad at me he is stubborn and cold. He commands when "he feels like it" to talk with me no matter what I say or do.

Two weeks ago we started "marriage therapy" (after one of our usual all weekend long fights I wanted a divorce and my husband got mad and wanted us to go to therapy...) and now my husband refuses at all to talk to me, because he thinks the therapist will solve all our problems without us. That will never work!

I am taking anti-depressiva for half a year now to be able to sleep at all at night and to cope living. My brother can't understand why on earth I am still here...I am so ashamed, but I have to stop hoping for the better.

I have read your responses and other poster's replies to your situation. Personally, I think you are experiencing cultural shock compounded with the fact that you rushed into marriage. That being said, I commend you for going into counseling, but remember, it only works if both parties want reconciliation.

With reconciliation as the goal, I have a suggestion. Ask your husband to write down ten things he wants out of marriage and you do the same. Do it independently and give it to the marriage counselor and see what he/she says. I have a notion that both of you went into marriage with the wrong expectations or that your, both of you, expectations are way too high. Additionally, ask your husband, if you had not already done so, why he will not talk to you. I believe this is one of the root causes in your relationship. There may be a logical explanation, or may not. But at least ask But at least ask. And perhaps it may be best with the counselor in the room. There are other root causes that need to be addressed during marriage counseling including the debt issue, your differences about guns and hunting, and your sitiation so far from home, culture shock.

quote:

Originally posted by Leyna:
Kathy,

Noone would understand correctly your situation unless they were or had been in your shoe.

I was in the same situation as yours, but I got out now. So, if you would like to talk, email me along with your picture at cjnm07@yahoo.com and I will give you my phone number and we will talk more about this.

Have a great day!

Cease this nonsense immediately. This is not a pick up forum.

quote:

Originally posted by templar:
Try to stay on and fight???? This is not some kind of TV contest we are talking about.
99.99% chance the man will never change. Trying to change other people is futile effort. Every pschologist knows the fundamental pathway of adults brain remains wired the same way without a trauma to alter it.

Even if he behaves nicely for a short time, it's practically given he'll relapse right back to his old habit. You can only compromise and negotiate if there are common grounds. But the fundamental way of human behavior cannot be compromised.

Only way the OP should stay with her husband is if she decides to put up with her husband's current behavior, knowing that there will not be a miracle cure. Accept his behavior or else move on.

Actually, I would disagree. Would your attitude change if the husband was autistic? An introvert? Experienced situations where it is hard for him to express himself verbally so that not to hurt that person but it happens anyway? It is not enough for one person to change, but for both. That is a part of marriage. Besides, we are only hearing one side of the story aren't we? I am not stating her story is false, but not knowing his side makes it hard to determine what is really going on.

Staying on to fight is reconciliation. It is not for the faint hearted and given her religious background, it may be necessary from her point of view. And reconciliation does not always mean happily ever after, but he and/or she can come to realize that they are not meant for each other, if that is the case. If that happens in marriage counseling, it would greatly relieve her and the regret she now feels. However, marriage counseling, if both are willing, will help resolve the tensions and emotional stress that now exists.