Imagine, if you will, that by some fluke, Libertarian candidate Bob Barr ended up president of the United States. What would the next four years look like? Dare we consider such an unlikely possibility? Oh, we dare all right! Game on!

NOV. 4, 2008

Stalemates in the Electoral College, the Congress and the Supreme Court (Justice Antonin Scalia's written opinion reads only "quack, quack" and is discarded) invoke an obscure Constitutional provision allowing Drew Carey to choose the president.

NOV. 5, 2008

Barack Obama, John McCain, Bob Barr and Ralph Nader appear on The Price is Right. Barr is declared the 44th President of the United States after bidding $351 on a Helman Old-Fashioned Movie Time Popcorn Maker - actual retail price: $399! McCain complains bitterly about Barr's having bid $1 more than he.

JAN. 20, 2009

Inauguration Day arrives and Barr "reluctantly" accedes to being sworn in on a statutorily mandated date. Visibly irked by Chief Justice John Roberts' attempt to have him swear on a Bible, Barr mumbles that he recognizes no authority and instead suggests that he swear on his own moustache. Veep-elect Wayne Allen Root stays at home in Las Vegas, texting the frantic Inaugural Committee Chairman: "u cant tell me wht 2 do." Alaska Governor Sarah Palin suggests she be sworn in instead, and her knowing wink and winning smile earn the Chairman's capitulation. Roberts tells her she's "way hotter in person."

JAN. 21, 2009

Libertarian accolades pour in after Barr spends the day doing nothing.

JAN. 28, 2009

The Revolutionary War-era "Don't Tread On Me" flag is reinstated as the official banner of the United States. Barr beams with pride as millions, ignoring the flag's command, unfurl and stomp on it.

MARCH 15, 2009

Barr's Executive Order No. 70083, signed at 9 a.m., officially eliminates federal enforcement of National Parks protections. By 10:30 a.m., an intoxicated Todd Palin is spotted tearing up Gettysburg on an ATV. His rifle-toting wife is reported to be trying to rent an airplane near ­Yellowstone.

JULY 4, 2009

Standing outside of Faneuil Hall in Boston, Barr delivers an Independence Day speech denouncing "tyranny in all its forms," citing especially Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and cookbooks. "Who is Irma Rombauer to tell you how to braise that coq au vin?" he tells a confused crowd. Gourmet magazine achieves political awareness.

DEC. 17, 2009

Prostitution is officially decriminalized. Eliot Spitzer high-fives an imaginary friend and returns to begging for change.

MAY 22, 2010

Barr vetoes a copyright protection bill, citing concerns about its capacity to limit individual freedom. He then vetoes his veto, citing concerns about its capacity to limit corporate freedom. He then vetoes his veto of his veto, citing concerns about its capacity to limit the personal freedom of the president. He then vetoes his veto of the veto he vetoed, citing personal confusion. He then has an egg-salad sandwich and takes a nap.

AUG. 9, 2010

For the 489th straight day, Barr receives a call from Sarah Palin inquiring about his health. This surpasses the record set by Richard Nixon and Dwight Eisenhower in 1954.

NOV. 2, 2010

Libertarian candidates win 412 seats in the House and 32 in the Senate thanks to Barr's shrewd passage of An Act to Limit Parental Authority and the subsequent passage of the 28th Amendment, allowing six-year-olds to vote. In California, write-in candidate Thomas the Tank Engine celebrates his defeat of Barbara Boxer by vowing to annex the Island of Sodor.

FEB. 18, 2011

The Federal "Do What You Want Day" holiday ends in the deaths of hundreds of ­thousands.

FEB. 22, 2011

New Hampshire changes its motto from "Live Free Or Die" to "Can We Live, Maybe, Like Just A Little Bit Less Free?"

MARCH 4, 2011

New Department of Education regulations eliminate tyrranical prescriptive linguistics from American life. Copies of Strunk & White are burned. The banner headline on the next day's Wall Street Journal reads: "Ritin an reedin reel ez now." Subsequent legislation reads like a Faulkner novel. Barr is hailed when childrens' test scores go through the roof. New York Times cruciverbalists find the puzzle either radically easier or radically more difficult.

JUNE 19, 2011

Barr refuses to submit to the authority of a severe cold.

DEC. 2, 2011

A radical Vermont anti-anti-government militia holes itself up inside its compound after the IRS refuses to accept its tax cheque. The nation is glued to CNN when IRS Anti-­Redistribution agents arrive in Middlebury, use a battering ram to enter the compound and place a thick wad of currency on the coffee table.

MAY 4, 2012

The Presidential race begins to heat up after presumptive Republican nominee Mike Huckabee implies in a speech that Barr fathered a determinist baby out of wedlock. Barr accuses Huckabee of metaphysics-baiting. Keith Olbermann is forced to resign from MSNBC after airing apparently doctored photos of Barr dressed as David Hume.

OCT. 3, 2012

"Joe the Camel" accosts Democratic nominee Barack Obama at a rally outside Winston-Salem, N.C., asking whether the candidate intends to ban tobacco, and Barr invokes his name no fewer than 143 times during the first debate. Media scrutiny later reveals "Joe" to be unemployed Libertarian actor John Larroquette.

NOV. 6, 2012

Shrek 7 opens in theatres and child voters abandon their franchise as an Obama landslide returns the Democrats to the White House after a 12-year absence. Barr accepts the vote as an expression of individual agency, then rejects it as a curtailing of his own agency. He then has an egg-­salad sandwich and takes a nap.