Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this **** but me."

Ole' Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the Middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to ****.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so
she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband
was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst..
my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

HaHa, Moved It up! My God Anything To Slow Down This Sunday Evenings Posts!!! Thats it!!! Red Bull Off Limits!!!!

As Much as i Hate To contribute To the Women, I Have To Be Fair!

This is interesting... but TRUE
Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman,
yet men spend all their life and time trying
to go back between the legs of a woman...., Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MENopause
GUY necologist
AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

> Subject: Great products
>
> Dear Tide:
> >>
> >> I am writing to say what an excellent product you
> have! I've used it
> all
> >> of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
> was the best. Now
> that I
> >> am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact,
> about a month ago,
> I
> >> spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
> inconsiderate and
> >> uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
> clumsy I was, and
> >> generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
> thing led to
> another
> >> and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
> white blouse! I
> grabbed
> >> my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my
> surprise and
> >> satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
> the stains came
> out so
> >> well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
> that the DNA tests
> on
> >> my blouse were negative and then my attorney
> called and said that I
> was
> >> no longer considered a suspect in the
> disappearance of my husband.
> >>
> >> What a relief! Going through menopause is bad
> enough without being a
>
> >> murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for
> having a great product.
> >>
> >> Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag
> people.

God Said No

I hope that you can get the effects on your computers! The words are great, but the movements of the faces add a lot....:-)

I asked God to take away my habit ...
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up .

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole .
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the id ea.

"Dogs Welcome"


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in

a Midwest town he planned to visit on

his vacation.


He wrote: I would very much like to

bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed

and very well behaved. Would you be

willing to permit me to keep him in my

room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel

owner, who wrote:


"I've been operating this hotel for many

years. In all that time, I've never had

a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware

or pictures off the walls. I've never had

to evict a dog in the middle of the night

for being drunk and disorderly. And

I've never had a dog run out on a

hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is

welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog

will vouch for you, you're welcome to

stay here, too."

Four friends who hadn't seen each other



in thirty years are reunited at a party.



After several drinks, one of the men
had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is *** and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful
30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends.'

> Every Sunday afternoon, Jennifer and her mother would chat over a
> couple of drinks.

> During one of these get to-gethers, her mother turned to Jennifer and
> said,'You know Jennifer,you have been going steady with Ralph for ten
> years.When are you two going to get married?'

> Jennifer replied, ''I can't marry Ralph because I don't want him to
> find out that I'm not a virgin.''

> ''Good grief,'' her mother responded, ''There's an excellent solution
> to your dilemma.

> On your wedding night, when Ralph makes love to you, just
> reach down and snap your garter.''

> 'What good will that do, mother?' asks Jennifer.

> Her mother says, 'Oh my dear, when you snap your garter, Ralph is
> going to ask what was that noise?

> Then you tell him............Oh my dearest Ralph, you just snapped my
> virginity.'

> Jennifer was totally elated with her mother's advice.

> Before too long, the wedding plans were announced and within four
> months, Jennifer and Ralph were married.

> On the first night of the honeymoon, Ralph and Jennifer prepared to
> make love for the first time.

> As Ralph penetrated Jennifer, she reached down and snapped her
> garter.

> This startled Ralph, ''My God Jennifer what the hell was that?''

> Jennifer very lovingly said, ''Oh Ralph, you just snapped my
> virginity.''

> ''Well'', said Ralph, ''snap it again...............my ***** are
> caught.'

I might try that one for myself lol

OMG!!! I Read The Joke Wont Work Anymore! LOL.

quote:

Originally posted by MakeItRight!:
OMG!!! I Read The Joke Wont Work Anymore! LOL.

You should be careful where you put that tongue of yours you know...

YIKES!!! Where Is My Listerine!!!! Not FAIR!!! It Looked Ok.

UPPPPPPP!!!

Down

LOL. what Can I Say? My source Dried Up Tonight! LOL. Gotta Keep That top ten you Know! .