A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."


A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.


Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of *******, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.


Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a ****. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."


What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They are married.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."


How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The *** is the same but the dishes pile up.

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... ****ing is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have ***, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your **** any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by
a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman
shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong
b****h out of the window.

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats.

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

In The BIG City
A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City.

For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw - especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked,
'What's that there, Paw?'

The father responded,
'Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,
'Go git your Maw.'

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

How True!

LAWS.. and they're so true they make you laugh.





Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.



Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.



Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).



Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.



The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.



Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.



Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.



Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.



Wilson 'S Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.



Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Reading with Kids

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,
'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'

Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'

and so it does .

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

Hooked on phonics strikes again!

Gas stations will start showing **** movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you are!

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry, 'Is this your husband?', he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?,' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?,' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no!, You are so hot when you're jealous!', she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?', he demands.

She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.'

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up t