Ok, every profession has its own jokes. So I thought I would share:

IS Audit
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS
office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'



'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said,'Okay. 'Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into
that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head
in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Not So Funny! OUCH!

Windfall Tax


WHEN ARE OUR ELECTED OFFICIALS GOING TO START LOOKING OUT FOR US (the people that gave them their jobs, and that they have sworn to represent)?

Windfall Tax on Retirement Income!

Adding a tax to your retirement is simply another way of saying to the American people, you're so darn stupid that we're going to keep doing this until we drain every cent from you. That's what the Speaker of the House is saying. Read below...............

Nancy Pelosi wants a Windfall Tax on Retirement Income. In other words tax what you have made by investing toward your retirement. This woman is a nut case! You aren't going to believe this.

Madam speaker Nancy Pelosi wants to put a Windfall Tax on all stock market profits (including Retirement fund, 401K and Mutual Funds! Alas, it is true- all to help the 12 Million Illegal Immigrants and other unemployed Minorities!

This woman is frightening. She quotes...' We need to work toward the goal of equalizing income, (didn't Marx say something like this), in our country and at the same time limiting the amount the rich can invest.' ( I am not rich, are you?)

When asked how these new tax dollars would be spent, she replied: 'We need to raise the standard of living of our poor, unemployed and minorities. For example, we have an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in our country who need our help, along with millions of unemployed minorities. Stock market windfall profits taxes could go a long way to guarantee these people the standard of living they would like to have as 'Americans'.' (Read that quote again and again and let it sink in. Lower your retirement, give it to others who have not worked as you have for it.

Send it on to your friends. I just did!!

This lady is out of her mind!!!

13...13...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some &*%$# poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

>BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...
>
>
>
>A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
>bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three
>men sitting at a corner table.
>
>
>
>He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
>the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I
>went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in
>the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking
>woman!"
>
>
>
>The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
>buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
>would fight at the drop of a hat.
>
>
>
>The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it
>on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever
>had!"
>
>
>
>The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but
>the biker still says nothing.
>
>
>
>The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
>"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked
>it!"
>
>
>
>At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
>the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
>says....................
>
>
>
>
>
>"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

The Maid asked for a Raise...

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'The Master said so.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I cook better than you.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook?'
Maria: 'The Master did.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover.'
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'
Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

Marriage Therapy
A husband and wife went in for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course
of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied.. 'Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays … I fish.'

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the ****, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each ******. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Subject: ONE OF MY KIDS...



I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says "hello."

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???

She looked into his eyes and said calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have ***, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand



And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)



No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.



'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'MT.? (Are you doubting this?)



Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

&NB sp;

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)





The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)



There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e I O U)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)



A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.



A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)



A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.



A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.



A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that also)



Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.



February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.



In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

;



If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.





Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors





Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!




Rubber bands last longer whe n refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.







The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.



The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)



The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.



There are more chickens than people in the world.



Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.



Women blink nearly twice as much as men..

TOUCHING!
No humor, No Punchline!

Two Choices

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line,
there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same
choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves
learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech
that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school
and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by
outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son,
Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as
other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The
audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I
believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped
comes into the world , an opportunity to realize true human nature presents
itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he
told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park
where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think
they'll let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not
want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his
son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and
some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.


Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not
expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said,
'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can
be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'


Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on
a team shirt . His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in
his heart The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the
bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind
by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the
right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to
be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to
him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored
again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on
base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and
give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.
Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know
how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However,
as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team
was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps
to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch
came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps
forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung
at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The
game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have
easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that
would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball
right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone
from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to
first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first
base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone
yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran
towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay
rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy
on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could
have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the
pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over
the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners
ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay,
Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the
opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third
base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded
third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet
screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate,
and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his
team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his
face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that
winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy,
and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the
day!

The Pregnant Blonde



The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the

driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so

excitedly but I thought, 'What the ****?' and I started jumping up and

down along with her.



She said, 'I have some really great news!'



I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'



She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and

down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a

while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'



Then she said, 'There 's more!'



I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'



She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!'



Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her

how she knew. She said....



'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had

a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
...... That she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'So, what's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of A N A L glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'And what the hell is A N A L glaucoma?'

'I just can't see my Butt coming into work today.'

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end
'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Remember: A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel...

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their home town to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying very hard to "one-up" each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erection."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary No. 13 has to stand on one leg!"

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

Do you need a laugh?? What Religion is YourBra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.


Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple....


The Catholic type supports the masses;


The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;


The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and


The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost ****s...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{ G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen