Originally posted by Rough Neighbor: Here's another one for you, dcwtech...
The Chauffeur
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license - and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
i took a group of my friends camping awhile back. very diversified Group! 1 pinay Friend Upper Class, I have picture Of her with Rope around her neck pleading "No More Camping Please" HAHA. she survived, but hilarious experience! We went To Shenandoah One day, She had to pee. No where To go but Woods. She said Whaaaaaaaaaat????? Princess took napkin Behind Bush, Rabbit Ran behind Her While peeing. She Came Running Back Pants Around ankles!!! HAHAHA!!! Wearing $1000 dollar pearl necklace and $400 Italian shoes! She said AMERICA is Wrong!!!! It was funny!!! Note: I Had to Promise Her there Would Be Air Conditioning, Rice Cooker, Showers. HAHA! Not what she expected! A/c Was 12 Volt fan, Rice Cooker Ok, "OUTSIDE ON PICNIC TABLE". Showers you bet! Community With Spiders And total Darkness! HAHAHA! Hilarious!!! 6 Months after returning to phil. i received E-mail from her. She said Thank you! It was The Best Fun I Ever Had!!!
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So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
This is rather interesting, I wonder if these words were just a "slip of the tongue", or maybe were just "taken out of context?" The last one sure has an ominous "ring" to it!!
Below are a few lines from Obama's " books " in his own words:
From Dreams of My Father: "I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites."
From Dreams of My Father: "I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mothers race."
From Dreams of My Father: "There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white."
From Dreams of My Father: "It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names."
From Dreams of My Father: "I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa , that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela."
From Audacity of Hope: "I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction."
Brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it! That a man like this is running for president of the USA! And Hillary and McCain ain't much better!
> Billboard's Hot Country Songs for the Week of 4-01-08 > > > 16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your *** All Day Long > > 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You > > 14. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me > > 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? > > 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well > > 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better > > 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win > > 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight > > 8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here > > 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now > > 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him > > 5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger > > 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly > > 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure > > 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer > And the Number one song is. . > > 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
You know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember . . .. Is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.' 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or Ipods. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
The pictures Wont Show, But the words are awesome!
My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. 'Start tomorrow,' she said.
She was right. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, 'How can I put this to use today?'
Use the Daffodil Principle. Stop waiting....
Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school Until you finish school
Until you clean the house
Until you organize the garage
Until you clean off your desk
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until the kids go to school
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die...
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt, and, Dance like no one's watching.
Wishing you a beautiful, daffodil day!
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
I have not checked out any of the following information, so take it with a grain of salt.
DID YOU KNOW?
Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little 'stringy things' off of it. That's how the primates do it.
Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
Peppers with 3 ***ps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 ***ps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simple chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yum.
1. Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
2. Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
3. Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
4. Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or ****ins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
5. Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.
6. Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
7. No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
8. Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
9. Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.
10. Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- at DA! -- static is gone.
11. Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
12. Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
13. Reopening envelope If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
14. Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
15. Goodbye Fruit Flies To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
16. Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
17. INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well,...the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free -- that nice fragrance too, you know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box, well this stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?! Learn something new everyday!! I certainly didn't know dryer sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it -- the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun. The masked man said "Give me all your money!" Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,... "Oh! Never mind then. Give me MY money!"
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4) Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.
I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Cooter
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)
Compared with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at............... (you won't believe it....but it is true........) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your ****ler will fall off!!
Okay, your ****ler won't really fall off...but, you might run out of toilet paper
FACTS ABOUT *** Apr 27, '08 5:33 AM by atul for group maturesingles
) 94% of men lie about their p*en*is size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men use extra large con*doms.
2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect (no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth).
3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.
4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can make your p*en*is grow but time (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)
5) There is no correlation between p*en*is size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.
6) Blue ***** does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."
7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.
+Some stuff on the ladies+ ------------------------------
1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "****".
2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra. 3) 60% of women have had breast implants. 4) 75% of women dont like **** s*e*x 5) 95% of women shave their privates.
+Both+ -------------------------------- 1) Mas*tur*bation is healthy for both men and women.
2) 70% of highschoolers have had *** before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.
3) 95% of men would have *** with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.
+5 Reasons Why S*e*x is Good+ --------------------------------------------- 1) It is a good workout. S*e*x burns about 150 calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.
2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have s*e*x 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.
3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more s*e*x were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who dont have ***.
4) Makes you look better - [ problem is, ugly people don’t get any ]. S*e*x releases hormones in you which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.
5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that s*e*x makes you live longer.
Men who had s*e*x 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have s*e*x 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expec
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