New cialis commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HVAXx1MRf0

Scooter: "I wanna **** !"

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?

(You'll love this)

- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.

>A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out> > as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do> > neighborhood.> > She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he> > had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to> > paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'> > The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'> > The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need> > was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her> > husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the> > house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife> > replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb> > blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'> > A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.> > 'You're finished already?' the husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde> > replied,' and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.'> > Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to> > her.> > 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus.

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

quote:

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

This might come in handy some day - lol! I like it! Thanks for sharing, DC.

HaHa. Play with the ants? LOL.

Shhhhhhhhh! The ant situation is under control at present - lol. We don't want to mention the word ants right now - lol!

HaHa! LOL. OK. i Get the EBegebies, Thinking about those Lil Black rascals!

Rolling eyes Emoticon! 'Since IlW Doesn't Have one"
see panda Girl, that Is a Red ant. They don't Really Work Together like the teeny Black Ones! The Black Nazi Ants March Inline, Make Designs, use there Power In Large Groups! Geeze! Easy squish That red ant!

quote:

Originally posted by Sprint_girl07:

Thanks, Sprint - for the reminder - lol! Mine didn't look like that. They were the teeney black ones. But, we mustn't talk about them anymore - lol! The pest situation in my house is under control (I think) - lol!

These are actual newspaper ads:

FREE Yorkshire Terrier: 8 yrs. old. Hateful little *****. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spanial - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog.

FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a Rat....been out awhile.
Better be a Reward for this NASTY little thing.

COWS, CALVES: Never Bred....Also, 1 *** Bull For Sale.

NORDIC TRACK: $300 - Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!: Must sell Washer & Dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn ONCE by mistake. Call Stephanie - $300.

And the BEST one.....

FOR SALE /BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1000 or Best Offer. No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I' ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing infront of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garb age.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

WHAT IS A FRIEND?

Your Heart is your Love,
Your love is your Family ,
Your family is your Future ,
Your future is your Destiny ,
Your destiny is your Ambition,
Your ambition is your Aspiration ,
Your aspiration is your Motivation ,
Your motivation is your Belief ,
Your belief is your Peace ,
Your peace is your Target ,
Your target is Heaven,
Heaven is no fun without FRIENDS

> shoes in Church
>
>
>
> I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie.
>
>
>
> I got there and sat.............. in a pew just in time.
>
>
>
> Bowing my head in prayer......... as I closed my eyes.
>
>
>
> I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... touching my own, I sighed.
>
>
>
> With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, 'Why must our
soles
> touch?'
>
>
>
> It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him
> much.
>
>
>
> A prayer began: 'Our Father'............. I thought, 'This man
with the
> shoes, has no pride.
>
>
>
> They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the
> side!'
>
>
>
> 'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.
>
>
>
> The shoe man said............... A quiet 'Amen.'
>
>
>
> I tried to focus on the prayer........ but my thoughts were on his
> shoes again.
>
>
>
> Aren't we supposed to look our best when walking through that door?
>
>
>
> 'Well, this certainly isn't it,' I thought, glancing toward
the floor.
>
>
>
> Then the prayer was ended........... and the songs of praise began.
>
>
>
> The shoe man was certainly loud...... sounding proud as he sang.
>
>
>
> His voice lifted the rafters......... his hands were raised high.
>
>
>
> The Lord could surely hear.... the shoe man's voice from the sky.
>
>
>
> It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep.
>
>
>
> I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
>
>
>
> I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in.
>
>
>
> Then I heard a soft 'clink' . As when silver hits tin.
>
>
>
> The sermon really bored me......... to tears, and that's no lie.
>
>
>
> It was the same for the shoe man... for tears fell from his eyes.
>
>
>
> At the end of the service....... as is the custom here.
>
>
>
> We must greet new visitors and show them all good cheer.
>
>
>
> But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
>
>
>
> So after the closing prayer....... I reached over and shook his hand.
>
>
>
> He was old and his skin was dark.... and his hair was truly a mess.
>
>
>
> But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
>
>
>
> He said, 'My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my
friend.'
>
>
>
> There were tears in his eyes....... But he had a large, wide grin.
>
>
>
> 'Let me explain,' he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes.
>
>
>
> 'I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to
say 'Hi.'
>
>
>
> 'I know that my appearance.........is not like all the rest.
>
>
>
> But I really do try.................to always look my best.
>
>
>
> I always clean and polish my shoes..Before my very long walk.
>
>
>
> But by the time I get here.........They're dirty and dusty, like
> chalk.'
>
>
>
> My heart filled with pain........... And I swallowed to hide my tears.
>
>
>
> As he continued to apologize.......... For daring to sit so near
>
>
>
> He said, 'When I get here..........I know I must look a sight.
>
>
>
> But I thought if I could touch you..Then maybe our souls might unite.'
>
>
>
> I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
>
>
>
> Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head.
>
>
>
> 'Oh, you've touched me,' I said......'And taught me, in
part;
>
>
>
> That the best of any man............Is what is found in his heart.'
>
>
>
> The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know.
>
>
>
> Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched
> my soul

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on
the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's
the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which use d that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if
they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on
some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have
been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's *** came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred
to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's h ad to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ***. And you thought being a horse's *** wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for *****. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.