Updated Chinese Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one *****, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch Butt should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four ***** cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who **** in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Amish Water

An Amish farmer walking across his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

Which means, "Don't drink the water, the cows have ****ED in it."

The man shouts back, "I'm from Chicago and just here campaigning for Hillary. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says, "Use two hands, you'll get more. It's delicious!"

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas.
And is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I was born, I was black,

When I grew up, I was BLACK

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,

When I got cold, I was BLACK

When I was scared, I was BLACK,

When I was sick, I was BLACK

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .



NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED ,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY .

So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?

This is a lesson in why deer hunters use guns!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it, and certainly no getting close to it. As it ****ed me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to **** me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash on my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, and I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death , so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! (They didn't show Bambi as being this evil) I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bitten by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts!

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several hours, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the muscles out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all... Besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies , "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!! !! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you ain't laffin'...
You ain't livin'

dcwtech: getting back to your "idiot numbered" message...my friend actually did a similar thing than "idiot #4" topic. He got caught for speeding, and got a check, and a photo of his car. So, he sent a picture of a sum of money that he was supposed to pay, and he got a mail back with a photo of a prison cell bars...LOL
When I've heard this, I thought it was just hilarious!

Jeanine,
LOL.......... i believe It.

Three Things to Ponder:


1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.



T H E TEN C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Waiting On Viagra

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes", the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Mississippi Trooper


A Mississippi Trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 82 about 2 miles east of the Mississippi/ Alabama State line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding.

The driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Columbus to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he, the driver, would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken Mississippi good old boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"

Ralph the Hen

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating, obviously you've never laid an egg before? Well, just relax and let it happen. It's no big deal,' said the rooster.

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped his first egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

"Darnit, Ralph! Wake up. You're P ooping' in the bed!"

Rednecks and a Goat

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, " I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said, "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

Little Boys!!!


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

Aye! Matey!

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand got cut off. I was fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "Well, What about that eye patch? That's new, too."

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them p ooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "You lost an eye just from bird p oop??"

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

Yoga?


The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic.

However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like a B utthole.'

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants... you might have
gotten disability, too.'

This is the thread worth keeping for.
Making people Smile!

Keep it up DC.

and oooops sorry been busy lately
I just got additional hours on my job.

so Jenny and DC you both have a cheerful day!

Thanks Speed,
I am trying luv.
Sorry if I ever offended you dear. I Think you were able to turn It around. For a positive! thank you.

I Appear to have ticked Off someone else Now! OMG!!
ROUGHNEIHBOR. Im Sticking to the Comical stuff Only!