I love this story

A 56-year-old man from the Midwestern US state of Wisconsin has been arrested after shooting his lawn mower in his garden because it would not start.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7526628.stm

I especially like the retailers comment at the end:

"Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty," said **** Wagner, of Wagner's Garden Mart in Milwaukee.

quote:

Originally posted by Brit4064:
I love this story

A 56-year-old man from the Midwestern US state of Wisconsin has been arrested after shooting his lawn mower in his garden because it would not start.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/.stm

I especially like the retailers comment at the end:

"Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty," said **** Wagner, of Wagner's Garden Mart in Milwaukee.

Not Sure of The Firearms Rules In UK. But If It Didn't Start? Welllll! All I Can Say is that Poor Guy Did Not Have Enough Fire Power!!!!

Big mistake Sawing Off That double Barrel!!! . Makes the Spread Too Wide!!! I Would Have Recomended 3" Magnums 00! and If That Didnt Work? 3" 10 Guage Steel Slugs!!!!

C R A P!!! Looks Like My Soarce Has Been Absent a Few Days! .

She Is 89 Plus. I Will Check In On Her. keep Fingers Crossed!

A young boy was walking down the street with a flattened frog attached to a string in tow.

He walked up to and knocked on the door of a house that was known for being a den of ill repute.

The madam answered the door and asked the boy what he wanted. He said, I want to have s.ex with one of your girls. I have the money and I ain't leaving till I do.

The madam was quite surprised but since he was a paying customer allowed him in. He then asked, do any of your girls have diseases? She replied, of course not. He responded with, well, I was told by all the guys that if I do Emily I will end up having to get shots afterwards. I want her.

Surprised at this knowledge she decided to give in to his wishes. Up he went to her room dragging the frog behind him. Twenty minutes later he came back down.

Curious, the madam asked him why he wanted Emily. He said, When I go home my parents are going out tonight. The baby sitter has a thing for little boys so I will get some action. And give her the disease. My dad will drive her home and he will have his way with her and get it too. When he comes home he and my mom will rock the bed. She will get it too. In the morning when my dad goes to work the milkman will come over and get it on with my mom. She will give it to him. Which is the *** who ran over my frog.

quote:

Originally posted by davdah:
A young boy was walking down the street with a flattened frog attached to a string in tow.

He walked up to and knocked on the door of a house that was known for being a den of ill repute.

The madam answered the door and asked the boy what he wanted. He said, I want to have s.ex with one of your girls. I have the money and I ain't leaving till I do.

The madam was quite surprised but since he was a paying customer allowed him in. He then asked, do any of your girls have diseases? She replied, of course not. He responded with, well, I was told by all the guys that if I do Emily I will end up having to get shots afterwards. I want her.

Surprised at this knowledge she decided to give in to his wishes. Up he went to her room dragging the frog behind him. Twenty minutes later he came back down.

Curious, the madam asked him why he wanted Emily. He said, When I go home my parents are going out tonight. The baby sitter has a thing for little boys so I will get some action. And give her the disease. My dad will drive her home and he will have his way with her and get it too. When he comes home he and my mom will rock the bed. She will get it too. In the morning when my dad goes to work the milkman will come over and get it on with my mom. She will give it to him. Which is the *** who ran over my frog.

Oh, Davdah. This one is just sick!

Sick! But Funny!

Not Funny, But Nice!


One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.
"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.
But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.
I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.
The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae.
I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait.
I smiled. She asked if she amused me.
I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.
How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.
I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes.
I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.
I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,
then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,
because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.
I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.

SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS including me if I'm lucky enough to be counted among them.

Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS!

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '


Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Better With Picts! But Breaks The Rules!

Can I Borrow $25?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'

DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.

SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the Man said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish.... I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions..... How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.

'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man, 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!', he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.

Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied, 'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed.

He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love..

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours, but the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Necessary!

This is too sentimental !!!
We the Lions like it hardcore !!!
No SENTIMENTS !!!

Who Is Your Neighbor????

http://www.felonspy.com/search.html

Karen Jane and Nancy are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Karen Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Nancy: What in the hell is that?

Karen Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Nancy: Where did you get it?

Karen Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Nancy h obbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

I'm running for president. Here is my platform...

After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Press 1 for English is banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' (3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on them.


(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.


(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting' nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.



(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.


(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you will be banned for life.


(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There will be no more life sentences -- if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.


(9) One export will be allowed - Wheat -- The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.


(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.



(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress -- right after a prayer.


(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc. and we will honor it by standing, and when the Flag is presented during these periods and passes in front of you, military personell will salute and citizens will place their right hand over their heart.

I'm not a teeny-bit sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes. A vote for me will get you better than what you have and a hell of a lot better than what you're gonna get, no matter which of those other candidates you vote for!!

None of that Sissy ****


Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the
waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,'
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down
toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down t o investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his
bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'
me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll
be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full
5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.

I ran across this video and thought it was pretty funny.

Fainting Goats

Speaking of funny..

Salvador Dali & Gala Born From An Egg

"The only difference between myself and a madman is that I am not mad."

"Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery."

"I am going to my room to m.asturbate before light lunch, if you would like to come and watch."

"The only difference between me and the Surrealists is that I am a Surrealist."

"At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since."

"Every morning when I awake, the greatest of joys is mine: that of being Salvador Dalí."

"The problem with the youth of today' is that one is no longer part of it."

"You have to systematically create confusion, it sets creativity free. Everything that is contradictory creates life."

"People love mystery, and that is why they love my paintings."

"Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing."

"Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it."

"I don't do drugs - I am drugs."

"The reason that some portraits don't look true to life is that some people make no effort to resemble their pictures."

"Liking money like I like it, is not