An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, 'I don't think you understand, I want something very special.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.' I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.

'I know,' said the old man, 'but can you imagine the weekend I had?' HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, '...holy ****...what a ride!'

Farmer John vs. Mrs. Farmer John...

A farmer walks into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, “May I help you?”

The farmer says, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.”

The attorney asks, “Well, do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replies, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

The farmer says, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer says, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer says, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer says, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney asks, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer replies, “Well, I cain't never have a meaningful conversation with her!”

The Tradition At Wedding

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington , DC!!!

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the ***** gets wet

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-****-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
1 3.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

GATOR WISDOM.....

Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an ******* and a briefcase..

Necro!

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. 'Dont Use Printer, P EnI S Stuck" Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,
But every once in awhile, you get lucky,
And get a piece of a** that brings tears to your eyes.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c ****.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad.

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand.

The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

THose That Can Laugh At Self, And accept Humor The Way most Americans Do? "ALL CULTURES" Can You Laugh At Self" ???? Are Already AMERICAN!!!! Laugh At Self, Life< Cultural Differences!!! Make The Difference By Being "SELF" Follow Nothing! only Follow Your Heart, Mind, Goodness! See Self As 1 In 20 Billion Put Here By Whatever God You Choose?! Individualism! 1 In A Billion!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer , brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN S.H.I.T.! SIT YOUR A.S.S. DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED *** ISN'T GOING TO A ****ED BAR! THAT S.H.I.T. IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA.S.S.?'

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? Originaly Posted By MRS. B.

Two old guys are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

>> BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
>>>
>>> Charlotte , North Carolina
>>>
>>> A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
>>> insured them against, among other things, fire.
>>>
>>> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
>>> and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
>>> the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
>>>
>>> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
>>> small
>>> fires.'
>>>
>>> The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
>>> the
>>> man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>>>
>>> The lawyer sued and WON!
>>>
>>> (Stay with me.)
>>>
>>> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
>>> that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
>>> lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the
>>> cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
>>> against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
>>> 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
>>>
>>> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
>>> insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for
>>> his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.
>>>
>>> NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
>>>
>>> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
>>> arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
>>>
>>> With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
>>> being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
>>> burning
>>> his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a
>>> $24,000 fine.
>>>
>>> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Recent
>>> Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
>>>
>>> ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS
>>>
>>>

Subject: The Shoe Box

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she
said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

How to Tell the s e x of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone. '