Donald Trump has repeatedly promised to bar Muslim foreigners from the United States. More recently, he’s called for “extreme vetting” of such people. Given his pronouncements, it’s not surprising that Muslim immigrants and asylum seekers are worried. But fear not – there is an easy solution for people affected by the ban: Convert to Judaism.
When Trumpette first converted, we were kvelling. Now, we're verbissen.

“What!!??! How can I change my religion? I don’t know anything about Judaism,” you say. Do not fret; I am here to help. I will explain to you how to be Jewish. It’s really not that hard. Jews and Muslims are already a lot alike. We both hate pork and love hummus. We're both perpetuating the War on Christmas by wishing others, "Happy holidays." And we both really want to own Jerusalem. See, we're practically cousins.

Besides, converting to Judaism is the perfect cover. Donald Trump's own daughter converted, and he hasn't tried to ban her from anything.


So how do you “pass” as Jewish?


The first thing to know is that a Jewish person never answers a question. Instead, he responds with a question of his own, often followed by a complaint. So for example, if someone asks you, “How are you doing today?,” you don’t say, “I’m fine.” Instead, you say something like, “How should I be doing? What with my bad stomach. My fakakta doctor prescribed me some pills, but they do bubkis.” Get it? Let’s try an example in the immigration context. Here’s a common question that you might encounter:

Immigration Officer: “How many children do you have?”

Non-Jewish Answer: “Three.”

Jewish Answer: “How should I know? They never call, they never write. My youngest is running around with some shiksa. And my oldest! Don’t even get me started. I told her, ‘Go to medical school, like your cousin Herbie,’ but what does she do? Majors in Liberal Arts. Feh! Her father and I spend $50,000 a year on college so she can work as a barista. Oy, what tsuress. Just thinking about it, I'm verklempt already.

You see – It’s easy. Here’s another one. Let’s say that someone asks you a question that you want to avoid answering. One way to do that is by minimizing the importance of the question, and then making the questioner feel guilty about asking it. We Jews do that by taking the most important word in the question, replacing the first letter in the word with “schm” and then repeating it back. Often, this is followed by a reference to the Nazis. Here’s an example in the immigration context to help clarify what I mean:

Immigration Officer: “Hello sir, may I please see your visa?”

Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is my visa.”

Jewish Answer: “Visa, schmisa! Do you think I’ve been sitting on a plane squished up like a sardine for the last 12 hours just so some Himmler-wanna-be can ask for my papers? My family didn’t survive the Holocaust, not to mention the pogroms, just to have some shmendrick treat me like a gonif. Next thing you know, you’ll be deporting me to a camp. The whole thing makes me want to plotz.”

At that point, your interrogator will likely let you pass through customs just to get rid of you, which is another advantage of converting to Judaism.


OK, I think you’ve got it. But here’s one last example. This one's a bit more advanced, so pay attention. If you can master it, no one will ever question your newfound Judaism. In English, most sentences are constructed with a noun, followed by a verb. We Jews often reverse that construction. So we wouldn't say, "She is a fast driver." Instead, we might say, "Fast, she drives." But typically, we'd try to be a bit more colorful: "Fast, shmast. Like Marrio Andretti, she drives." And here it is in the immigration context:
Immigration Officer: “The fee for your green card is $1,070.”

Non-Jewish Answer: “Here is $1,070.”

Jewish Answer: “Nu? One thousand and seventy?! What am I, a Rothschild? Why don't you take my first born son while your at it. Maybe you can get some schlemiel to pony up that kind of money, but not me. Anyway, gelt like this, I don't have. Maybe the big machers can afford your fees, but not us little pishers. Now, be a mensch and hand to me your brochures about moving to Canada?"

So that's it. Look, it isn't pretty to have to convert (or pretend to convert) to survive. We Jews have done it before (remember the Spanish Inquisition and the crypto-Jews?), but I suppose it beats the alternative. Anyway, in four years, when Michelle Obama becomes president, you can always convert back.

Originally posted on the Asylumist: www.Asylumist.com.